Some people believe it is a good idea for students to work part-time to ensure better opportunities in the future. Others are of the opinion, job during study distracts the individual. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #idea #students #work #opportunities #future #job #study #distracts

While

some people think it is more beneficial for the

future

of younger having a part-time

job

, others argue that it can distract them from their personal lives. I believe, that

while

working part-time has some vital impact on their

future

life, it is more profitable to focus on themselves.

To begin

with, part-time duty could be useful for children.

Firstly

, they can develop their business skills and deal with any situation.

For example

, working in a famous company could assist them in making powerful CVs.

Therefore

, they can have a better opportunity to find a well-paid

job

in the

future

Secondly

, juniors could have a chance to have a variety of communications with others in society.

For instance

, they could visit a successful person teaching them life lessons. I believe it is essential for students to concentrate on their studies more than anything else. They have a lot of responsibilities, which have to carry them.

Moreover

, these duties could be practical for them, as they can learn about different subjects, and find their interests.

Thus

, in the

future

, they could choose a

job

, which they tend to and have more abilities to deal with. Not only, is it beneficial for them, but

also

it is practical for society.

As the

Correct word choice

The

show examples

more interests people have, the more benefits are for the government. In conclusion, I believe, that

although

a part-time

job

is profitable, it is more crucial for juniors' bright

future

to focus on their personal lives.

Submitted by pooya.olad on Thu Jun 13 2024

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task achievement

The essay covers both views and provides an opinion, but it could benefit from more development and additional examples to strengthen arguments.

coherence cohesion

Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Although the essay is generally coherent, it could use smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

overall

Avoid minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to make the essay more polished. Review sentences for clarity and flow.

introduction conclusion present

The introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, effectively framing the essay.

task achievement

The essay successfully addresses the prompt by discussing both views and providing a personal opinion.

relevant specific examples

Key points are supported with relevant examples, such as business skills and networking opportunities.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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11Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

247 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5

6.5

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

6.5

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.5

6.5

Complete response

6.5

Clear & comprehensive ideas

6.5

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Some people believe it is a good idea for students to work part-time to ensure better opportunities in the future. Others are of the opinion, job during study distracts the individual. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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You are moving to a new city for work and have just realized that an old friend lives in the city. Write a letter to your friend. In your letter: • Ask them for advice in finding accommodation • Tell them where you would like to live • Tell them the type of place you are looking for

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