In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered "role model" and having increasingly influent on young people.Are the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
These day
, the Change the determiner
This day
These days
affect
of celebrities who are considered "role Replace the word
effect
model
" on young Fix the agreement mistake
models
people
are
increasing. Change the verb form
is
This
writer argues that this
phenomenon bring
more drawbacks than benefits.
Change the verb form
brings
Firstly
, one advantage of famous people
as role models is their educational influence to
the youth. Young Change preposition
on
people
take their idol as a basis of their educantional
, Correct your spelling
education
Correct word choice
and celebritis
celebritis
encourage Correct your spelling
celebrities
educational
pursuit and intellectual growth among the youth. As witnessed, Bill Gates, through the Bill and Melinda Gates Add an article
the educational
foundation
, Capitalize word
Foundation
they
used it to Correct pronoun usage
apply
focuses
on improving educational and public health. Wrong verb form
focus
Hence
, this
bring
lots of excellent benefits in Change the verb form
brings
educational
, yet Replace the word
education
this
phenomenon can lead young people
to
the wrong direction of their true destination.
More problematically, some famous Change preposition
in
people
promote unrealistic standard
. Indeed, they may promote unrealistic Fix the agreement mistake
standards
standard
of beauty, success and lifestyle, resulting Fix the agreement mistake
standards
unhealthy
comparisons. Change preposition
in unhealthy
For example
, influencer
like Fix the agreement mistake
influencers
Kardashians
often create Correct article usage
the Kardashians
unrealistic
Add an article
an unrealistic
the unrealistic
standard
of beauty or lifestyle, Fix the agreement mistake
standards
most
young Correct word choice
and most
fan
over-admired Fix the agreement mistake
fans
lead
to the Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
worse
Correct word choice
worst
of
generation. Their followers should be discerning enough to know the right, if not, Change preposition
apply
this
can lead to endangering them in vulnerable positions.
Moreover
, tje
teens can lose their independent perspective when following the influencer. Indeed, youngster Correct your spelling
the
fan
always Fix the agreement mistake
fans
over- approve
their idol's perspective Correct your spelling
over-approve
at
most issues, Change preposition
on
hence
, they will lose the ability to deal with obstacles in their life or unable
to make their own decision. Add a missing verb
be unable
Nonetheless
, the youth will access a dependent lifestyle if they follow their favourite celebrities without thinking. Though,
the statements of some celebrities about certain Remove the comma
apply
problem
is right, young Fix the agreement mistake
problems
people
should have their own opinion
.
In conclusion, whether the benefit from Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
Add an article
an influencer
influencer
that Fix the agreement mistake
influencers
encourange
Correct your spelling
encourage
encourages
youngster
about educational and intellectual, Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
it
is outweighed by Correct pronoun usage
apply
brawbacks
of independent mindset and inexperienced.Correct your spelling
drawbacks
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task achievement
Improve grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to convey ideas more clearly. For example, "This writer argues that this phenomenon bring more drawbacks than benefits." should be "This writer argues that this phenomenon brings more drawbacks than benefits."
coherence cohesion
Enhance paragraph transitions for better coherence. Linking phrases could be used to start paragraphs, such as "Furthermore" or "In addition."
task achievement
Provide more detailed specific examples to strengthen arguments, such as further elaborating how specific celebrities promote unrealistic standards.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The points are generally supported with relevant examples, like mentioning Bill Gates.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example