Too much emphasis is given for education of the young children. Moregovernment money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The emphasis on studying has been increasing gradually over the past decade, and young
children
feel burdened by this
immense pressure. It is arugued
by some that, authorities should be funding leisure Correct your spelling
argued
activities
of adolescents. I, absolutely agree with this
notion because,
Remove the comma
apply
children
feel a lot of stress and want personal time
to disconnect from problems and relax and want to indulge in other activities
for relaxation and growth. This
essay will discuss the reasons for implementing free time
activity
.
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
To begin
with, the need for self
Add a hyphen
self-time
time
and disengaging from the
Correct article usage
apply
wordly
problems is felt not only Correct your spelling
worldly
my
adultsCorrect your spelling
by
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
by high school and college students
. For example
, a study was
conducted by the Harvard School of Medicine in Unnecessary verb
apply
year
2018 Change the article
the year
which
showed that 39% of Correct pronoun usage
apply
college going
Add a hyphen
college-going
students
who participate
in their free Wrong verb form
participated
time
over weekends or evenings in fun activities
such
as going for
movies or playing board games with friends were Change preposition
to
more happy
and achieving good grades as compared to those who were busy studying. Relaxing and enjoying with peers away from their stressful routines was helping them Replace the words
happier
in succeeding
in their education.
Wrong verb form
succeed
Similarly
those Add a comma
Similarly,
students
who were spending time
doing voluntary services like helping in old age homes or orphanages felt a sense of responsibility and achievement. By doing this
, they were able to escape from their educational duties and worries, taking personal time
to disconnect. For instance
, a survery
was conducted on high school Correct your spelling
survey
students
by the
Oxford College in London which revealed that Correct article usage
apply
a
personal growth was noticed by teachers in those Remove the article
apply
students
who were volunteering during their free time
in helping
other Change preposition
to help
under
Change preposition
apply
pivileged
Correct your spelling
privileged
children
.
To conclude
, local authorities alongwith
educational institutes should be spending money Correct your spelling
along with
in
giving Change preposition
on
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
to
Change preposition
for
children
to participate in pleasurable activities
and have time
for themselves so they are more enthusiastic in
studying in Change preposition
about
shcools
.Correct your spelling
schools
Submitted by hnm0804 on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position. However, more depth and elaboration on certain points would strengthen the argument further.
coherence cohesion
There are some issues with grammar and vocabulary that slightly obscure the meaning at times. Revising these areas would enhance clarity and make the essay more coherent.
task achievement
Ensure that the examples provided are precise and specifically tailored to support the arguments made. This will make the points more compelling and relevant.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Using transitional phrases can help improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay clearly states its position and provides examples to support its arguments.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which align with the overall argument of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The main points are generally well-supported with examples, making the arguments more persuasive.