IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young children. Moregovernment money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The emphasis on studying has been increasing gradually over the past decade, and young
children
Use synonyms
 feel burdened by
this
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 immense pressure. It is
arugued
Correct your spelling
argued
 by some that, authorities should be funding leisure
activities
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 of adolescents. I, absolutely agree with
this
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 notion because
,
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apply
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children
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 feel a lot of stress and want personal
time
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 to disconnect from problems and relax and want to indulge in other
activities
Use synonyms
 for relaxation and growth.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the reasons for implementing free
time
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activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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.
To begin
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 with, the need for
self
Add a hyphen
self-time
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time
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 and disengaging from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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wordly
Correct your spelling
worldly
 problems is felt not only
my
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by
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 adults
,
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apply
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 but
also
Linking Words
 by high school and college
students
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.
For example
Linking Words
, a study
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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conducted by the Harvard School of Medicine in
year
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the year
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 2018
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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showed that 39% of
college going
Add a hyphen
college-going
show examples
students
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 who
participate
Wrong verb form
participated
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 in their free
time
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 over weekends or evenings in fun
activities
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such
Linking Words
 as going
for
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to
show examples
 movies or playing board games with friends were
more happy
Replace the words
happier
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 and achieving good grades as compared to those who were busy studying. Relaxing and enjoying with peers away from their stressful routines was helping them
in succeeding
Wrong verb form
succeed
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 in their education.
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Similarly
Add a comma
Similarly,
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 those
students
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 who were spending
time
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 doing voluntary services like helping in old age homes or orphanages felt a sense of responsibility and achievement. By doing
this
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, they were able to escape from their educational duties and worries, taking personal
time
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 to disconnect.
For instance
Linking Words
, a
survery
Correct your spelling
survey
 was conducted on high school
students
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 by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Oxford College in London which revealed that
a
Remove the article
apply
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personal growth was noticed by teachers in those
students
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 who were volunteering during their free
time
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in helping
Change preposition
to help
show examples
 other
under
Change preposition
apply
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pivileged
Correct your spelling
privileged
children
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.
To conclude
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, local authorities
alongwith
Correct your spelling
along with
 educational institutes should be spending money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 giving
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to participate in pleasurable
activities
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 and have
time
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 for themselves so they are more enthusiastic
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 studying in
shcools
Correct your spelling
schools
.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear position. However, more depth and elaboration on certain points would strengthen the argument further.
coherence cohesion
There are some issues with grammar and vocabulary that slightly obscure the meaning at times. Revising these areas would enhance clarity and make the essay more coherent.
task achievement
Ensure that the examples provided are precise and specifically tailored to support the arguments made. This will make the points more compelling and relevant.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Using transitional phrases can help improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay clearly states its position and provides examples to support its arguments.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which align with the overall argument of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The main points are generally well-supported with examples, making the arguments more persuasive.
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