IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performance for general public. Do you agree or disagree?

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The government ought to invest more in developing
sports
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 and
art
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 programs for school
students
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 than supporting expert athletes and artists. From my point of view, I totally agree with
this
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 action since it will bring several benefits to the youth. It is clearly reported that
sports
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 and
art
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 are beneficial for developing both the physical and mental health of children. Playing any kind of sport enhances their muscle, heart
beating
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apply
show examples
and endurance, leading to a healthy body.
Moreover
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, practising any form of
art
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 improves their focus and relaxes stress, resulting in mindfulness. Altogether, both activities significantly improve
students
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’ ability to study. If the government invests more money in developing infrastructure or resources used in
sports
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 and
art
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 learning for youth, the country will gain numerous high-quality citizens when they grow up. Eventually, these
students
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 possibly become skilful
sports
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 players and
art
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 performers in the future.
Thus
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, spending on developing
students
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 in areas of sport and
art
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 is worth trying.
Nevertheless
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, most governments have limited budgets for spending. If all of
that is
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 used in developing
students
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, the leftovers might not be enough to support well-known athletes and artists in any international competition
such
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 as the Olympic games.
Consequently
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, they possibly defeat and give up for the rest of their lives.
Thus
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, the nation will not gain any reputation from the international community. In conclusion, investing in both developing
students
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 and supporting professional athletes and artists is crucial.
However
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, the first priority should be for
students
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 since it is a sustainable investment.

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task achievement
While you have provided a clear response to the task, it's helpful to provide more relevant examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, mentioning specific programs or initiatives in sports and art could solidify your points.
coherence cohesion
Consider tightening your argument so that each paragraph has one single primary focus. For instance, discussing the negative impacts of not supporting professional athletes in a separate paragraph can make your argument clearer.
task achievement
Make sure to address both sides of the argument in a balanced way. Even though you agree with the topic, dedicating a small portion to discuss the opposing viewpoint would provide a more comprehensive argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your viewpoint and sets the stage for your argument.
coherence cohesion
You provide a solid conclusion that wraps up your main points and reiterates your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay is easy to follow and logically structured, with distinct paragraphs for different points.
task achievement
Your arguments are clear and comprehensive, and you effectively link the benefits of sports and art to the overall development of children.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • holistic development
  • physical health
  • creativity
  • teamwork skills
  • nurture young talents
  • excel
  • healthy lifestyle
  • cultural appreciation
  • extracurricular activities
  • socio-economic background
  • social inequality
  • profit-driven
  • allocated funds
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