IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some parents think children's behavior should be strictly controlled, while other parents think children should be free to behave. Discuss both views and give examples.

#parents #children #behavior
A sum of
people
 believe that
children
's behaviour relies a lot on how their
parents
 control them.
However
, many disagree with
this
 statement.
This
 essay will discuss both arguments regarding
this
 statement. On the one hand, a majority of
parents
 think that the behaviour of their
children
 depends on how they control them.
Parents
 are extremely anxious when it comes to their kids' future. Most
people
 believe that if they do not manage their
children
's attitudes, they will end up being criminals when they grow up.
For example
, a handful of criminals especially robbers tend to come from a family where they are uncontrolled by
parents
. Usually, these robbers behave irresponsibly because of the
freedom
 and negligence their
parents
 gave them.
On the other hand
, a lot of
people
 believe that
children
's attitudes do not depend on how their
parents
 manage them but
instead
 believe that they are most likely to misbehave when older if they do not receive the appropriate amount of
freedom
. There are a lot of factors regarding a child's behaviour. These
people
 believe that
children
's attitude depends more on the environment they are around than how they control them.
For instance
,
children
, who are given
freedom
 by their
parents
, behave because of the environment they are in. These
children
 are free to behave by their
parents
 but are well-behaved because of the effects their peers give them.
Nevertheless
,
this
 example is very dependable on the environment they are in.
To conclude
, I agree with the fact that
children
 should be disciplined by
parents
.
However
, I disagree with the fact that they should be strictly disciplined by their
parents
. I think that
children
 should get some
freedom
 so that they can explore the living world.
Submitted by nafisa.sputri on

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets the context for the discussion well. However, consider rephrasing 'This essay will discuss both arguments regarding this statement.' to something more engaging and specific to improve your essay's opening.
task achievement
The body paragraphs present clear arguments for both views with some relevant examples. However, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the examples and how they support the arguments. More specific and varied examples can make your points stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and flows relatively well, but try to enhance the cohesion between sentences within paragraphs. Use more transitional phrases and linking words to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is concise and presents your opinion clearly. You might want to reiterate the main points of the essay briefly in the conclusion to provide a stronger sense of closure.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of both viewpoints and provides relevant discussions for each.
coherence cohesion
The language is generally clear and easy to understand, with only minor grammatical errors that do not impede comprehension.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, and they help frame the essay well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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