IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that watching TV is bad for children while others claim it has a positive effects for children as they grow up . Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #tv #children #effects
A plethora of individuals assume that watching TV has an adverse effect on infants
whereas
 may put forward propositions that it has numerous beneficial impacts on their personal growth.
While
 there are compelling arguments for the latter sentiment, from my own perspective, the detrimental impact on offspring makes more sense. One reason why watching technological devices is disadvantageous is that a large number of juveniles can run a higher risk of short-sightedness. First of all, supporters of
this
 viewpoint claim that
this
 action encourages a sedentary lifestyle for youngsters and
consequently
 that they experience high levels of an inactive person
as well as
 are predicted to be addicted to
this
due to
 the fact of the mass appeal of vibrant colours on screen.
As a result
, of sociable
activities
Add a comma
activities,
show examples
 adolescents can turn a blind eye and lead to unhealthy lifestyles. For these reasons,
such
parents
 must realize that it is going to have adverse effects on their toddlers.
On the other hand
, others agree that it is a beneficial factor that contributes to personal growth. For one thing, it is a fact that children can be educated with a huge amount of knowledge through various and vibrant images
as well as
 basic words and catchy melodies in music songs that teenagers have the ability to imitate easily.
For example
, the channel Pinkfong produces a wide range of music songs containing meaningful acquaintances to educate children,
therefore
, it is
also
 a memorable memory gets on with childhood. Numerous
parents
 tend to teach their infants through technological devices owing to the fact that they hold the belief that youth can absorb foreign languages during childhood. To recapitulate,
although
 there are controversial perspectives determining whether
parents
 give their adolescents access to high-tech devices, I think that watching TV not only has an adverse effect on offspring
on the contrary
also
 fosters an inactive lifestyle.
However
, providing that
parents
 allocate suitable schedules for infants to entertain can broaden their horizons.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The argumentation is clear and covers both views, but addressing counter-arguments directly would strengthen the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance overall readability.
task achievement
Provide additional examples and evidence to bolster the main points.
coherence cohesion
Work on syntax variety and sentence complexity for better cohesion and coherence.
task achievement
You have successfully presented both sides of the argument, showcasing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame your discussion and provide a clear stance.
task achievement
Use of specific channels and examples, like Pinkfong, adds credibility and specificity to your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary behavior
  • unrealistic perceptions
  • creative pursuits
  • social development
  • emotional development
  • constructive content
  • screen time
  • parental guidance
  • critical thinking
  • active learning
  • age-appropriate
  • media literacy
  • family bonding
  • moderation
  • perceive
What to do next:
Look at other essays: