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Writing Samples
Band 8

It is suggested that primary children should learn how to grow vegetables and keep animals. Do the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages?

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In contemporary times, there exists a paramount emphasis on the education of offspring. Some say that primary youngsters should study the way to plant
vegetables
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 and feed
animals
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. Personally, I think that the benefits of
this
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 outweigh its drawbacks. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 primary children should be trained on how to establish
vegetables
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 and nurture
animals
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 because the youngsters will have opportunities to explore more about the world of nature around them.
This
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 can encourage them to love their habitat and comprehend the usefulness of plants and
animals
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 more. For that reason, if they are not taught subjects which involve natural practising like planting and keeping
animals
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, offspring will grow up with a lack of awareness of the importance of their surroundings.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can lead to harmful actions on the environment in the future
such
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 as cutting trees and detention of rare
animals
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 for their earning purpose.
For instance
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, my sister has taught her daughter who is seven years old how to grow
vegetables
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 and explained to her the positive effects of plants on our setting. That being the case, my niece has been very grateful to trees and wanted to protect them
instead
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 of demolishing them.
Additionally
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, my sister and her daughter have fed a dog together since her daughter was 3 years old. I realize that my niece loves and takes care of her dog so much.
This
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 can help her to foster her love for
animals
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 rather than thinking of harming them.
On the other hand
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, several individuals believe that youngsters should not learn how to grow plants and take care of
animals
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 at primary schools to avoid the risk of injury by plant tools.
Moreover
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, they can be affected by a disease from
animals
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.
For example
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, in my country, there were about ten pupils in a class at a primary school affected by the flu from chickens in a biology session. offspring were suffering from ill health and obsession with chickens. In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of learning the way of growing
vegetables
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 and feeding
animals
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 are more significant than the potential disadvantages.

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task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the task and provides clear opinions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. However, you could emphasize this conclusion more clearly in your introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Try to support your arguments with more varied and specific examples or evidence. This will make your points more compelling and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea. The second paragraph combines different ideas about the benefits of learning about nature and the love for animals. Breaking this down could improve readability.
coherence cohesion
Transitional phrases can help guide your reader from one point to the next. Phrases like 'in addition,' 'furthermore,' or 'conversely' might improve the overall flow.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for your argument, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your points.
logical structure
The essay is well-structured with well-defined paragraphs, each addressing a distinct aspect of the discussion.
supported main points
You provided relevant examples to support your points, making your arguments more convincing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary children
  • grow vegetables
  • keep animals
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills development
  • environmental awareness
  • health benefits
  • instilling responsibility
  • learning about food production
  • time commitment
  • maintenance costs
  • safety concerns
  • curriculum constraints
  • limited resources
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