IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Throughout history, people have dreamed to live in a perfect society while they haven't agreed how what the ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world? What can people do to achieve an ideal society?

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From the ancient periods, most of the individuals in
this
Linking Words
 universe are willing to live in a
good
Change the adjective
well
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 organized community, whilst they don’t have any idea about
the
Correct article usage
a
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 good
society
Use synonyms
 and
it
Correct pronoun usage
what it
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will
Wrong verb form
would
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 like to be.
My
Change preposition
In my
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 point of view, a perfect
society
Use synonyms
is mainly depends
Change the verb form
mainly depends
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 on
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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 dignity and they will mix and help
to
Change preposition
apply
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each other.
This
Linking Words
 essay will delineate the important factors for the ideal
society
Use synonyms
. At first glance,
this
Linking Words
 world has encompassed a lot of countries. All countries have separate laws.
However
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 have thought their environment and living place must be free from crime and
offender
Fix the agreement mistake
offenders
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. Because
,
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apply
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 a perfect
society
Use synonyms
 means, it will become free from
illicitly
Change the adverb
illicit
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 activities.
Whilst
Correct word choice
apply
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, there is no chance
to live
Change preposition
of living
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a
Change preposition
in a
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perfect place in
this
Linking Words
 universe.
Hence
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 must understand their environment and change themselves
then
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 will change automatically. To illustrate, Japan is one of the role model for all the country
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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all
people
Use synonyms
 are paying taxes correctly and working hard, so the
society
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 has developed itself in their country.
In addition
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
government
Add an article
the government
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also
Linking Words
having
Wrong verb form
has
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 one of the major responsible for creating an ideal
society
Use synonyms
, which
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 are willing to make.
Hence
Linking Words
, the authorities put stringent rules to eradicate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime and robbery.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should cooperate
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 rules and
regulation
Fix the agreement mistake
regulations
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, because a perfect
society
Use synonyms
 should have a controlled law and order.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 and government both must adhere a strong rules
then
Linking Words
 only, it’s possible to attain a good
society
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, all country citizens will
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
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 to help their
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
 and friends, it will flourish
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
humanity.

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introduction conclusion
Your introduction does a good job of setting up the topic, but there are some grammatical issues and awkward phrasing that can be improved for clarity. For example, the phrase 'whilst they don’t have any idea about the good society and it will like to be' is confusing.
logical structure
The essay would benefit from more logical structuring. For instance, separating the government and people's roles into distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences.
supported main points
Try to develop your points more fully and provide clearer, more specific examples. For instance, the example of Japan is good but can be expanded to explain how paying taxes correctly and working hard contribute to a perfect society.
clear comprehensive ideas
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that make the ideas less clear. For instance, 'All countries have separate laws' should be 'Each country has its own laws.'
complete response
Your essay covers all the aspects of the prompt, discussing both what constitutes a perfect society and how to achieve it.
relevant specific examples
You provide a useful example by citing Japan as a role model for an ideal society. This helps to illustrate your point effectively.
introduction conclusion
Your essay is well-organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in understanding the overall structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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