IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that the government should invest more in public health and less in other areas such as education and infrastructure. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #health #areas #education #infrastructure
It is a contentious issue whether governments should allocate more finances to the public
health
 sector than study and development. I partially agree with
this
 unequal investment because no matter
health
Correct word choice
whether health
show examples
 is an important factor for the
growth
 of nations, balanced financial aid is essential for other sectors too.
This
 essay will delve deeper into these points in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
 with, there are a myriad of reasons why people think there is a need for more investment in human wellness and less in teaching and buildings. Foremost,
health
 can always be considered as the primary factor for the
growth
 of a nation.
For example
, as per the annual report of the Human Development Index
last
 year, no sooner did countries like Norway and Sweden allocate substantial funds for public
health
 than their status in human
growth
 and standards increased up to 20 points.
Hence
, if statutory bodies spend more on
this
 sector, they may ensure a healthy future for their citizens and ultimately it will be beneficial for the sustainable
growth
 of the nation.
However
, areas related to study and infrastructure are important as well.
This
 is because, if there is less funding for these areas, the common facilities will surely be halted. To exemplify, it can be difficult for common people to reach the hospital if there are no good roads and transportation means.
In addition
, as educational facilities can make good doctors to serve people, the lower the funding in
this
 sector the lower the quality of the professionals.
Therefore
, these sectors do require equal funds from the government to ensure their smooth functioning.
To conclude
, though I advocate the statement that the allocation of funds should be there for public
health
due to
 its high impact on the development of nations, equal funding is required to be allocated in the rest of the sectors.
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a clear and logical structure, with a relevant introduction and conclusion. However, the transitions between the different points could be smoother. For instance, connecting sentences or phrases that provide a seamless flow between ideas would enhance readability.
task achievement
While your response comprehensively addresses the task, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity. Some sentences could be made clearer to avoid any possible confusion. For example, simplifying complex sentences or breaking them down into shorter ones would aid comprehension.
task achievement
You have provided clear and relevant examples which effectively support your points. This strengthens your argument and demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which encapsulates your main arguments and provides a rounded perspective on the topic.
task achievement
The use of language is generally effective and shows a good command of English, with relatively few grammatical errors or inaccuracies.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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