IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#people #health #alternative #medicines #treatments #doctor #development
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In modern times more and more individuals are visiting non-traditional medical centers and refusing
treatment
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 from professional doctors.
This
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 essay will discuss the negative impacts of
such
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 a modern trend and illustrate my viewpoint with supporting examples of
cancer
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treatment
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 and self-medication. In our current social life, it is widespread/very common among senior
people
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 to use
alternative
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 methods of medicine, especially herbal pills. They take them for various illnesses, from headaches to bone disease.
However
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, many of those herbal medicines do not have any scientific evidence that proves their beneficial properties.
This
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 is especially dangerous when
patients
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 refuse traditional
treatment
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 in favour of
alternative
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 ones.
For example
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, when
cancer
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patients
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 choose herbal
treatment
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instead
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 of chemotherapy that can lead to tragic consequences.
As a result
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, those
cancer
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patients
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 lose precious time for effective
cancer
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treatment
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 and a chance to prolong/extend their own lives. Another reason why
alternative
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 medicine can cause adverse effects is self-diagnosing and unprofessional self-
treatment
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. Nowadays many
people
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 are selling scam products to
people
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 with health problems. Those poor consumers spend their savings on some empty promises
,
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apply
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 because most of the mentioned scam products are simply
vitamins
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.
For instance
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, there was a big
hair
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 grow
vitamins
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 campaign which promised its users recovery of damaged
hair
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 and growth of new
hair
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 cells. But these
hair
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vitamins
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 actually created many
hair
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 and skin problems.
This
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 resulted in a huge scandal and in a lot of cases these practices worsen the conditions of
people
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 and lead to serious
hair
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 loss. In conclusion,
due to
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 the development of interest in
alternative
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 medicine, many
people
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 believe that it has both positive and negative sides. Despite that, in my opinion, the use of
alternative
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 methods of
treatment
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 can lead to serious health-related issues as described with cases of
cancer
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patients
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 and scam
hair
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vitamins
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 which resulted in severe ramifications
due to
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 their application.
Submitted by sa_artek on

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task achievement
The introduction provides a clear statement of the essay's focus, which is a good start. However, you can enhance clarity by making the thesis statement more specific about your stance.
task achievement
While the arguments are clear and relevant, the language could be more formal to fit academic writing. For example, instead of 'big hair grow vitamins campaign,' you could say 'a significant marketing campaign for hair growth vitamins.'
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, try using more transitional phrases to link ideas within and between paragraphs. For instance, the phrase 'In addition' can be used at the start of the second body paragraph to connect it to the first body paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is supported with examples, which is good. However, ensure that the examples are consistently thorough. For instance, the example of cancer patients could benefit from more detailed description or statistics to strengthen your argument further.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, presenting a clear stance on the issue and summarizing the main arguments succinctly.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the discussion on herbal treatments for cancer and scam products, which make your points more compelling and relatable.
supported main points
The main points of the essay are logical and easy to follow, and you stay on topic throughout the essay, making your argument clearly understood.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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