IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that children should be educated at school about paying taxes and personal budgeting in order to help them better manage their finances when they are older. Others think that parents should teach these things, and that children will understand taxes and how to spend money carefully through life experience in the future. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #children #school #taxes #finances #parents #money #life #future
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some believe that
schools
 should be responsible for teaching children fundamentals of personal finance,
such
 as paying taxes and handling their expenses. Others support the idea that parents should make their kids familiarize with the related concepts and as
students
 grow old, they will figure out everything on their own in a detailed way.
However
, I believe that all basics related to financial literacy should be an important part of
schools
' curriculums.
According to
 some people,
schools
 are the best places to educate
students
 about
practical
Correct article usage
the practical
show examples
 sides of the theories that will make their lives easier in the future. It is assumed that teaching kids some rudimentary
understandings
Fix the agreement mistake
understanding
show examples
 about the ways of handling issues related to their finances is equally essential as other subjects since knowing these basics will help them to comprehend various complicated terms when they need to apply them in real situations.
In addition
,
schools
 mainly provide lessons concentrated on theoretical aspects, and omit all the opportunities to inform
students
 about real-life applications of the topics taught. That particular factor leads
schools
 to lose their appeal and makes them unattractive.
For example
, once kids realize the fact that they do not actually learn anything in classes that cannot be applied in the future, it will demotivate them.
However
, others believe that all subjects related to personal finances need to be taught by children's parents and should not be incorporated into
schools
' curriculums.
Firstly
, it could be
due to
 the reason that there are already numerous classes which
students
 need to attend and take all the exams successfully.
Due to
 the complicated education systems, countries do not allow
schools
 to add another layer of burden on
students
.
Therefore
, those matters are considered less crucial topics compared to other heavy subjects,
such
 as math, literature, chemistry ,and so on.
As a result
, some people prefer children to obtain all information regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
monitoring their income and expenses and paying government taxes from their parents at home.
To conclude
, considering the arguments of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both sides, I have come to the conclusion that all the matters related to personal finance should be an integral component of the school's syllabus.
Submitted by Narmin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the task, covering both views and your personal opinion. However, you could strengthen your argument by including more specific examples or evidence to support your points.
task achievement
Your ideas are mostly clear and coherent, but there are a few areas where the clarity could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and consider breaking down complex sentences to make them easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally strong, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transitions between some paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have included an effective introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well. To further improve, ensure that your conclusion not only summarizes the main points but also reinforces your opinion more strongly.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are generally well-supported, but there is room for more specific details or examples to illustrate your arguments. This will help to make your essay more compelling and convincing.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both views and includes a clear personal opinion, which addresses all parts of the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: