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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, parents put too much pressure on their children to succed. what is the reason for parents doing this? is this a positive or negetive development for the children?

#parents #pressure #children #reason #negetive #development
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Many
parents
 have a tendency to be careful about their
children
 to become successful by putting
pressure
 on them. so,
this
 attitude originated from several reasons about
children
. in my opinion, I strongly believe that putting
pressure
 on the
children
 can have positive effects on them.
To begin
 with,
parents
 like to put
pressure
 on their
children
 because they believe that
children
 do not have enough information about their
future
. so, they need to give them some advice in their lives to have better choices in many aspects, like university majors.
in other words
,
children
 need to be aware of job opportunities in the
future
 and
then
 choose their university field wisely, which can help them find suitable occupations and make the big bucks.
Therefore
, it is the best way to have an independent lifestyle. because nowadays money talks and can help
children
 to have
luxuries
Replace the word
luxurious
show examples
 lifestyle in the
future
. Positively, putting
pressure
 on the
children
 by
parents
 can have positive effects on them. because many
children
 like to spend most of their time on leisure
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
, like surfing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
.
thus
, unsupervised
children
 on the internet are in danger.
in other words
, some websites promote immorality. in some cases, they will be faced with hacking, spam and viruses.
therefore
,
children
 need to be aware of information and all-time monitoring by their
parents
. In conclusion,
parents
 like to put
pressure
 on their
children
 to succeed because they believe that it is the best way for them to have a better life in the
future
.
Submitted by salehmiri1995 on

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coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the overall structure. However, try to avoid repetitive phrases and ensure each paragraph adds a new dimension to your argument.
task achievement
Try to develop each point more fully with specific examples and evidence. This would help in making your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are quite long and could be clearer if they were broken down or rephrased. This would improve understandability and make your essay more engaging.
task achievement
It is important to address both positive and negative aspects when asked for your opinion. Discussing a counterargument can show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your use of connectives helps in maintaining the flow of ideas, which enhances readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion and outlines your viewpoint clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • expectations
  • competition
  • secure future
  • societal norms
  • academic spheres
  • professional spheres
  • anxious
  • success
  • perceived social status
  • exerting pressure
  • opportunities
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