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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people, say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #schools #students #subjects #future #careers #music #sports
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Education in general is always a topic of interest. Some assert that academic
subjects
 should be focused on teaching,
while
 others state that a mix of academic and non-academic
subjects
 is better. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both viewpoints and give the final opinion later. On the one hand, It is inevitable that these
subjects
 will be directly beneficial for
students
 in terms of gaining knowledge that might be helpful for them in the future.
Due to
 the provision of academic curriculums about fundamental information and practical skills
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
students
 can use
this
 knowledge for any jobs that they apply for later on.
Moreover
,
acdemic
Correct your spelling
academic
subjects
 might be easier to acknowledge a person’s qualifications and abilities.
This
 is because these
subjects
 will be given in terms of
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
show examples
 based on the coursework or exams
Therefore
, a company can make comparisons between applicants through their scores, meaning that
students
 who focus on academic
subjects
 could be more competitive when applying for a job.
On the other hand
, it seems to be more balanced to have any non-academic
subjects
 that
students
 can do. The importance of music and sports in student’s life is seen as a tool for reducing mental health issues. If
students
 are provided with a good combination of academic and non-academic
subjects
,
thus
, it could help them in terms of soft skills and personality fostering.
This
 is because the majority of sports
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
 teamwork and logical thinking for strategy.
While
 music essentially demands the coordination of the brain, eyes and hands to play an instrument,
as a result
, it would increase their flexibility and develop their personality. In conclusion,
although
 academic
subjects
 are essential in providing
students
 with basic knowledge to use in their future careers.
However
, I personally believe that the combination will be better for a well-rounded development for each individual since it not only helps with reducing mental health issues but
also
 gives
students
 the opportunity to foster their personality and other skills in the long term.
Submitted by kkhanhnhitr0801 on

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spelling
Pay careful attention to spelling errors (e.g., 'acdemic' should be 'academic'). Spelling mistakes can slightly hinder understanding.
specific examples
Try to further elaborate on specific examples to strengthen your points. Providing more detailed instances can help increase relevance and clarity.
transitions
Enhance the transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall flow. Using connector words and bridging phrases can help to link ideas more naturally.
task completion
The essay addresses both viewpoints comprehensively and concludes with a clear opinion, fulfilling the task requirements well.
structure
Logical structure is generally well maintained, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
support
Main points are adequately supported with explanations, providing clarity to the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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