IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Many governments spend too much money on weapons and military equipment. It would be better for the government to use the money spent on the military to improve its citizens' quality of life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Nowadays government authorities invest enormous amounts of
money
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 in purchasing various military equipment and weapons. Some claim that spending that
money
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 on developing people's living conditions would have more beneficial impacts on society rather than splurging on empowering military forces. I completely agree with the given statement since it will enhance the
economy
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 of the
countries
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 and will help them to develop good relationships with other
countries
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.
Firstly
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, one of the primary reasons for supporting the idea of expending
money
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 on boosting people's quality of life is the fact that it will directly impact on
level
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 of economic activities of the governments. The primary method of increasing the satisfaction
level
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 of the public is to encourage residents to engage in certain business activities within the country and allow them to contribute to the production
level
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 of certain domestic products. By
following
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this
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 route, states can enhance the entire
economy
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, which in turn will increase people's
overall
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 well-being.
For instance
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, South Korea is renowned for having a population with high income and better living conditions achieved by investing in numerous sectors of the
economy
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.
Secondly
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, spending a lot of
money
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 on the
economy
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 and increasing the production
level
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 of the country will encourage governments to trade internationally. In order to make the process of importing and exporting goods and services from and to overseas
countries
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, authorities to build sustainable and long-term relationships with one another, and evade all potential conflicts in the future. Those initiatives will completely eliminate the need for funding the purchase of arms and weapons and expanding their armies.
For example
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, nowadays China is the main provider of many products to the other states, and without its transactions, many
countries
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 would lack basic goods and services.
Therefore
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, almost all
countries
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 are trying to have a better connection with it and avoid all points that might lead to war.
To conclude
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, in my opinion,
instead
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 of allocating too much
money
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 to military services, governments should concentrate on improving the well-being of citizens to possess a better
economy
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 and stronger communications with the rest of the world.

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of staying focused on the task and offers clear reasons for your viewpoint. However, to achieve an even higher score, you might consider addressing potential counterarguments and demonstrating why they are less compelling.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, further refining your transition phrases and making sure each point smoothly connects to the next could enhance readability. For instance, the transition between your first and second main point could be more fluid.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position and sets up the essay well. It is concise and directly relevant to the task.
coherence cohesion
The essay's body paragraphs are structured logically, and each paragraph focuses on one main idea which supports your overall argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • national security
  • external threats
  • internal unrest
  • quality of life
  • public services
  • healthcare
  • education
  • infrastructure
  • development
  • well-being
  • investment
  • social programs
  • reduce poverty
  • inequality
  • social unrest
  • crime
  • harmonious society
  • prosperous society
  • defense budget
  • public spending
  • balanced approach
  • underfunded
  • opportunity cost
  • sustainable development
  • renewable energy
  • socio-economic stability
  • environmental health
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