Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment

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The issue of what kind of environment should be provided by schools has long been a thorny

one

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While

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many feel that the level of competitiveness found within education is excessive, others believe that it is necessary in order to inspire

children

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to excel. The case against excessive competition in school is a compelling

one

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. By definition, not everyone can win a contest: where

one

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child wins, another loses. Should a child lose consistently, he may be demotivated in his studies or dismissed by his peers, which could in turn lead to feelings of inadequacy and even a lack of drive later in

life

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Secondly

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, many believe that bringing out other qualities in

children

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would be more beneficial.

For example

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, former US President Franklin D. Roosevelt strongly advocated the promotion of cooperation over competition as a far more useful

life

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skill. Were it the case that

children

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were taught to work with

instead

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of against each other, they may go on to accomplish far more.

On the other hand

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, learning to compete has its benefits too. Many argue that it better prepares the next generation for the real world. Whether they are applying to a top university, seeking a new promotion, or running their own company, adult

life

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is full of experiences where

one

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is in competition with others. If pupils are primed for

this

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from an early age, they are perhaps more likely to push themselves harder to succeed as adults. Take students from Asia as an example: they are often raised in an extremely competitive environment and,

as a result

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, tend to achieve more academically than Western

children

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To conclude

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it is clear that

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this

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is not a straightforward issue.

However

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, I believe that as much as learning to compete is an essential

life

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skill in today’s world, cooperation between

children

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should

also

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be at the forefront of education to ensure a balanced future generation.

Submitted by jolo9419jmor on Tue Jun 25 2024

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task achievement

In the argument against excessive competition, using more contemporary examples or psychological studies would add depth and concreteness to the points made.

task achievement

You have made some very good points about the importance of both competition and cooperation. However, expanding on the cultural differences mentioned in the second argument, like providing more specific statistics or studies from Asia, could further strengthen your argument.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear structure, with a defined introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a well-rounded conclusion.

task achievement

The arguments are well-balanced and supported with relevant examples, such as the reference to Franklin D. Roosevelt and the comparison of Asian and Western educational approaches.

coherence cohesion

Logical transitions between paragraphs help maintain a coherent and cohesive structure.

coherence cohesion

The conclusion effectively encapsulates the essay's main points and offers your perspective clearly and concisely.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

11
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

317 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

undue stress
academic achievement
critical thinking
interpersonal skills
unhealthy rivalries
social isolation
bullying
reduced collaboration
motivation
achieve their goals
resilience
perseverance
innovation
improvement
outperform
higher standards

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