IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people pf different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

#people #music #pf #cultures #ages
There is no doubt that these days
music
 plays an essential role in a lot of countries around the world, the question is do I agree or disagree, In
this
 essay. I'm gonna discuss
this
 point of view and give my opinion. In terms of attracting
people
 from diverse traditions and generations, some types of
music
 let you know immediately where it's from, for illustration, some Indian
music
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 so famous that
people
 are aware of the Indian methods in songs, the main reason given to support
this
 claim is that every
country
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 a national song that contains a specific
music
 type.
However
, other
people
 disagree that songs
attracts
Change the verb form
attract
show examples
people
 of different cultures and ages.
Firstly
, the only thing that impresses
people
 about other cultures unconsciously is
music
, when they listen to video clips of a
country
 and they like the way
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
, they
Add a missing verb
is, they
show examples
 suddenly realize that they love the region of the song and plan to visit it, the main idea is that no matter what famous a
country
 is, it is important to have a sort of musical play that belongs or known for
this
country
, It is similar with traditional food,
for instance
, Italy is mostly famous with pizza, pasta, etc. In conclusion, songs
makes
Change the verb form
make
show examples
 everything spread faster, not only culture, tourism,
therefore
 I believe that
music
 is a good way of bringing
people
 from all diverse cultures and ages.
Submitted by yazanalt523 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to refine your thesis statement to clearly state your stance on the given statement. Instead of phrases like 'do I agree or disagree,' clearly state your position right from the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Ensure every paragraph has a clear central idea that is supported by evidence and examples. Your ideas are generally clear, but they need a bit more focus and development.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar in order to make your writing more precise. There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases that could be smoothed out.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which provides a clear structure to your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and you make an effort to respond to the task fully.
task achievement
You've included ideas and some relevant examples to illustrate your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: