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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many young people now know more about international pop and movie stars than famous people in the history of their countries. What are the causes? Give solutions to increase the number of people to know about famous people in history

#people #pop #movie #stars #history #countries
Nowadays, a lot of young
people
 have a better
knowledge
 related to international
actor
Fix the agreement mistake
actors
show examples
 or
actress
Fix the agreement mistake
actresses
show examples
 rather than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 from their
countries
Change noun form
country's
countries'
show examples
history
. In my opinion,
it is clear that
this
 phenomenon has continually
happen
Change the verb form
happened
show examples
 because
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
myriads reason
Fix the agreement mistake
myriad reasons
show examples
, but two main factors would be the advancement of technology and lack of patriotism
feeling
Verb problem
apply
show examples
among youngsters.
In addition
, two ways that can be used to overcome
this
 problem are adding the number of
hour
Change to a plural noun
hours
show examples
 of
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school,
as well as
 utilizing mass media
such
 as TV to make a trivia
program
 regarding
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of their
country
, which will be
further
 elaborate on the following paragraphs. The advancement of technology that
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
happened several decades ago has
influent
Correct your spelling
influenced
show examples
 our younger generations as a high-tech-literated individual.
For example
, many young
generation
Change to a plural noun
generations
show examples
 have a great capability of using handphone, laptop, and
also
internet
. The
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 of
things
Capitalize word
Things
show examples
 has
play
Change the verb form
played
show examples
 a significant role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them, particularly
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 knowing what
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overseas,
such
 as knowing the
new comer
Correct your spelling
newcomer
show examples
 actresses or actors, their achievements in
entertainment
Add an article
the entertainment
show examples
 industry, and even their
gossips
Fix the agreement mistake
gossip
show examples
 or private lives.
This
 phenomenon has
happen
Change the verb form
happened
show examples
 because of
internet
 can bring
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real time
Add a hyphen
real-time
show examples
 news to other countries,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
particularly young
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
.
In addition
,
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research has shown that
generally
Add a comma
generally,
show examples
 youngsters
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
patriotism feeling. Particularly in Indonesia, they do not even know who is the founding father of the
country
, and many cannot mention the five
principle
Change to a plural noun
principles
show examples
 of the
country
. To overcome
this
 matter, I strongly believe that adding
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 portion of
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school could work well.
By knowing
Change preposition
Knowing
show examples
 the roots of the
country
, the origin, and what has happened in the past could retain the negative impact of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
such
 as
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
, so that young
people
 have a great balance of
knowledge
 between
history
Add an article
the history
a history
show examples
 of the
country
, and what is happening right now around the globe.
Additionaly
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, the government could
also
 regulate some rules regarding television
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
.
For instance
, each
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 station should have a
program
 related to
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of the
country
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every week, not just
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 certain
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
such
 as
independence day
Correct your spelling
Independence Day
show examples
. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adding
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 portion of
history related
Add a hyphen
history-related
show examples
 subjects in school and
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 the young generations additional information from television
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 could tackle the phenomena related to young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
knowledge
 about famous
people
 from their
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
history
, and
balancing
Wrong verb form
balance
show examples
 the
knowledge
 to know what is happening around the world today.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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introduction conclusion present
Introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay. Ensure the introduction clearly states your main argument.
supported main points
The points made are well-supported. Try to integrate more detailed, specific examples to strengthen your argument.
complete response
Ensure that all parts of the question are fully addressed. Discuss more about how each solution you propose would effectively increase interest in historical figures.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are mostly clear and comprehensive. Be careful of small grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that can confuse the reader.
logical structure
Logical structure is generally clear, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Maintain coherence by clearly linking ideas within and between paragraphs.
relevant specific examples
You made good use of specific examples and relevant explanations to support your points.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to guide the reader through your argument.
supported main points
Main points are consistently supported with arguments and examples.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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