IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that having more money can make them happier. How important do you think money is?

#people #money
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, some claim that the more
money
Use synonyms
 they earn the happier their life will be.
However
Linking Words
, I put forward that a delightful life requires more than a large amount of
money
Use synonyms
. It is indisputable that
money
Use synonyms
 makes our lives comfortable by meeting our requirements, both physically and mentally.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, we can get our daily necessities through
money
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
 want to have a meal in their favourite restaurant, or go to the dentist for a toothache,
people
Use synonyms
 have to use
money
Use synonyms
, which ultimately satisfies them.
Besides
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 is
also
Linking Words
 crucial in accomplishing mental needs.
People
Use synonyms
 can widen their scope of knowledge and minds with the help of
money
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 can travel to separate places to catch different marvellous environmental sceneries,
thus
Linking Words
 enjoying the beauty of nature.
People
Use synonyms
 often consider themselves happy when their requirements are satisfied, and
money
Use synonyms
 is definitely of overriding significance in reaching
this
Linking Words
 purpose.
However
Linking Words
, on no account can we consider living a delightful life only stems from
money
Use synonyms
. To be specific, employees who pursue higher salaries may prefer to work overtime and pay much attention to how to protect their assets at the cost of giving up their leisure time.
As a result
Linking Words
, they have the potential to get stress-related sicknesses
such
Linking Words
 as insomnia and lose the opportunity to do the things they dreamed of. What is more, humans are actually social creatures,
hence
Linking Words
 certain amount of conversation is crucial to
people
Use synonyms
’s psychological health.
Thus
Linking Words
, they will be pleasant when they are chatted with
people
Use synonyms
 that they go on well with.
By contrast
Linking Words
, without
people
Use synonyms
 to share experiences, one would easily be attacked by depression. In conclusion, it is true that
money
Use synonyms
 could meet the basic requirements and happiness could occur during it. There are still far more factors that influence
people
Use synonyms
’s mood more obviously than
money
Use synonyms
, like health, enough leisure time and wonderful personal interactions.
Submitted by christianwang on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

general
Your essay is quite strong, but there are small areas for improvement. Keep an eye out for minor grammatical errors and inconsistencies in sentence structure to achieve even higher clarity and impact.
task achievement
Try to add a bit more depth to the conclusion to reinforce the main ideas of your essay. This will leave a lasting impression on the reader and clearly encapsulate your views.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task and fully explores the topic by considering both the benefits and limitations of money in achieving happiness.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is quite impressive. Each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining good coherence and cohesion throughout.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples that support your points well, making your arguments more persuasive and concrete.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: