IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that having more money can make them happier. How important do you think money is?

In
this
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 day and age, some claim that the more
money
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 they earn the happier their life will be.
However
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, I put forward that a delightful life requires more than a large amount of
money
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. It is indisputable that
money
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 makes our lives comfortable by meeting our requirements, both physically and mentally.
To begin
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 with, we can get our daily necessities through
money
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.
For example
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, if
people
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 want to have a meal in their favourite restaurant, or go to the dentist for a toothache,
people
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 have to use
money
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, which ultimately satisfies them.
Besides
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,
money
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 is
also
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 crucial in accomplishing mental needs.
People
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 can widen their scope of knowledge and minds with the help of
money
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.
For instance
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,
people
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 can travel to separate places to catch different marvellous environmental sceneries,
thus
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 enjoying the beauty of nature.
People
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 often consider themselves happy when their requirements are satisfied, and
money
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 is definitely of overriding significance in reaching
this
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 purpose.
However
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, on no account can we consider living a delightful life only stems from
money
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. To be specific, employees who pursue higher salaries may prefer to work overtime and pay much attention to how to protect their assets at the cost of giving up their leisure time.
As a result
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, they have the potential to get stress-related sicknesses
such
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 as insomnia and lose the opportunity to do the things they dreamed of. What is more, humans are actually social creatures,
hence
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 certain amount of conversation is crucial to
people
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’s psychological health.
Thus
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, they will be pleasant when they are chatted with
people
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 that they go on well with.
By contrast
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, without
people
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 to share experiences, one would easily be attacked by depression. In conclusion, it is true that
money
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 could meet the basic requirements and happiness could occur during it. There are still far more factors that influence
people
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’s mood more obviously than
money
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, like health, enough leisure time and wonderful personal interactions.

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general
Your essay is quite strong, but there are small areas for improvement. Keep an eye out for minor grammatical errors and inconsistencies in sentence structure to achieve even higher clarity and impact.
task achievement
Try to add a bit more depth to the conclusion to reinforce the main ideas of your essay. This will leave a lasting impression on the reader and clearly encapsulate your views.
task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task and fully explores the topic by considering both the benefits and limitations of money in achieving happiness.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is quite impressive. Each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining good coherence and cohesion throughout.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples that support your points well, making your arguments more persuasive and concrete.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial safety net
  • financial hardships
  • emergency fund
  • budgeting
  • financial responsibility
  • future goals
  • higher education
  • financial independence
  • economic fluctuations
  • inflation
  • financial security
  • credit reliance
  • flexibility in career choices
  • entrepreneurship
  • changing economic conditions
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