IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
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Nowadays, many countries face an imbalance in the age ratio of their population, especially when the number of elderly has outnumbered the youngsters, and they can live longer. It triggers a debate whether
this
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 situation will give more benefits to society or create
further
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 problems for the governments.
Nonetheless
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, I would argue that there will be more drawbacks to the situation described above for some reasons that are set out below. On one side, when people have reached their unproductive age, there will be some cases that impact certain aspects of their lives, including economic productivity.
For example
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, it is predicted that China’s economy will experience a downfall because there will be not enough workers in the future as their citizens are limited to only having 1 child in a family.
This
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 resulted in the elderly no longer being able to work well compared to young people, and the government needs to find a solution to provide enough employees to replace them in business sectors and industries to avoid a downfall in the economy. On the other side, with the existence of the elderly, there would be some benefits.
For instance
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, the young generation will have easier access to wisdom and advice,
as well as
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 an improvement in family bonding.
That is
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 to say that youngsters can easily talk about their problems and learn life lessons from them.
Also
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, a
further
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 illustration shows that many countries in Southeast Asia mostly have cultures of having strong family bonds which are very close to their parents and grandparents. By
this
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, I mean they can have a precious memory and moment with them. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some benefits to having more population of elderly, I believe that the drawbacks are far superior because of the possibility of having problems in the economy that the government should solve.
Submitted by kelly on

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task achievement
Your arguments are well-structured and logically presented. However, try to use more specific examples and data to strengthen your points, especially in the economic argument for the first body paragraph.
task achievement
In the introduction, explicitly state your position more clearly to fulfill the task requirements fully. Instead of saying 'Nonetheless, I would argue that there will be more drawbacks,' you could assert, 'I firmly believe that an aging population presents more challenges than benefits.'
coherence cohesion
Work on the transitions between paragraphs to ensure smoother progression of ideas. While your essay is coherent, enhancing the linking phrases will improve flow and readability.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively sums up your arguments, but it would be stronger if you restated some of the key points from the body of the essay. This helps in reinforcing your stance more powerfully.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay covers both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced view before you provide your own opinion. This is great for task achievement.
task achievement
You have used examples to support your points, particularly focusing on China and Southeast Asia, which adds depth to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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