IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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With technological advancements and changes in society, it is not surprising to learn that
children
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 spend extensive amounts of
time
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 on their smartphones.
This
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 short essay explores the reasons why
that is
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 the case and discusses whether it is a positive or negative phenomenon.
Children
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 may spend long periods of their spare
time
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 on mobile
devices
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 because these
devices
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 have become increasingly accessible with technological advancement and
parents
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 are too preoccupied with other activities to spend
time
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 with their
children
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. Another reason
children
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 do so could be the
parents
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' lack of knowing a better way to interact with their
offsprings
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offspring
show examples
.
For example
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, I can see many families taking their
children
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 outside for a relaxing weekend but somehow the
children
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 are glued to the screen
while
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 enjoying their meal
instead
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 of talking to each other.
However
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, it is not entirely the fault of the
parents
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 because youths before the digital age would entertain themselves with other activities. Now that smartphones have become popular, these youngsters would inevitably want to keep up with online media like their peers do or even mimic what their
parents
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 do on their
devices
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.
Such
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 a development can have both positive and negative consequences. On one hand, kids will learn how to handle digital technology from an early age, reducing the need for additional technical support in their studies and career in the future.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 and educators may not be able to control the kind of media the kids consume and it is hard to stop them from using these
devices
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 once they start. I know from firsthand experience how addicting smartphones can be since they hold access to infinite amounts of knowledge and entertainment.
To conclude
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, youths these days are engaged with mobile
devices
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 for long periods of
time
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due to
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 societal changes and advancements in technology.
Such
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 a phenomenon can have both advantages and disadvantages depending on the perspective from which we view the situation.

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear response to the prompt, it could be further improved by including more detailed and specific examples. For instance, you could mention certain apps or activities that particularly engage children.
task achievement
Ensure every main point is thoroughly supported. Some points, such as the parents' lack of interaction with children, could benefit from more elaboration or examples to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Adding transitional phrases and ensuring each paragraph smoothly flows from one idea to the next can improve coherence and cohesion. For instance, transition words such as 'Moreover', 'However', or 'Therefore' can help better connect ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing the main points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is strong, with clearly divided sections that address different aspects of the prompt.
task achievement
The essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of the development, showing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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