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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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The debate over individuals' attitudes towards each other in different settings has sparked considerable controversy.
While
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 some advocate that they should remain competitive, I,
along with
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 others contend that prioritizing cooperation would be most conducive to their improvement as
this
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 essay
further
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 elaborates on.
To begin
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 with, putting significant emphasis on coordination would accelerate the journey to success.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the freedom
people
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 would have to seek assistance from others and draw on their sophistications
such
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 as their previous constructive relationships, to achieve their personal ambitions.
Hence
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, they wouldn't feel loneliness throughout their journey, which entices them
further
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.
Moreover
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, being able to
work
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 together contributes to a more harmonious society.
This
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 harmony would foster mutual understanding among individuals, enhancing empathy.
Consequently
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,
people
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 would enjoy a peaceful mentality, which provides them with a greater capacity to utilize in their
work
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 or study,
further
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 enhancing their chance of achieving their milestones. Iranian educational institutes,
for instance
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, value coordination over achievement which has resulted in higher academic attainments among students.
However
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, some may claim that creating a fiercely competitive environment instills motivation in
people
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, and pushes them to their limits. They believe
this
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 mindset encourages them to aim higher and step out of their comfort zones, highering the chance of having more attainments in their lives.
As a result
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, they'd enjoy a boosted confidence,
coupled with
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 economic stability. To illustrate, American companies always prioritize creating a competitive atmosphere in workplaces so that employees would feel the need to push themselves
further
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, bringing both fame and fortune to their company.
Although
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 there is some accuracy to
this
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 notion, in severe cases, it comes at the cost of jeopardizing human mental health
due to
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 the potential inability of some;
therefore
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, the situation calls for maintaining a balance between encouraging
people
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 to be cohesive and competitive. In conclusion, some argue that making
people
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work
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 against each other incentivizes them to go the extra mile, I firmly believe they can enjoy holistic development if they are encouraged to
work
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 together.
This
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 togetherness would not only speedify their success journey but
also
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 improve their mental health which is essential when striving for a successful life.

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coherence cohesion
Although the essay is well-organized, there are a few places where sentences can be more concise to enhance clarity. For instance, 'they wouldn't feel loneliness throughout their journey, which entices them further' can be simplified to 'they wouldn't feel lonely, which encourages them further.' This makes the ideas more straightforward and easier to follow.
task achievement
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors to elevate the overall quality of the essay. For example, 'highering the chance' should be 'increasing the chance,' and 'speedify' should be replaced with 'accelerate.' Proofreading for such details could make a significant difference.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are strong, providing a clear stance and summarizing the main points effectively.
task achievement
The essay offers a balanced view by discussing both perspectives and includes relevant specific examples to support the arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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