IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Bein overweight has become a major health concern in many parts of the world. Explain the causes for being overweight and provide solutions.

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It is true that in many countries, obesity has become a major problem. There are several reasons why many
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering from overweight.
However
Linking Words
, steps can definitely be taken to tackle
this
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 issue. Nowadays, a lot of individuals suffer from being obese, and maintaining a healthy weight is becoming more and more challenging. Many reasons are involved in
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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,
people
Use synonyms
's diets are not healthy enough these days compared to the past. Many
people
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 consume fast food or other types of food that virtually are not good for general health at all.
For instance
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, I remember when I was working on my dissertation, I did not have enough time to cook,
thus
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, I ate fast food for almost two months in a row.
Secondly
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, in the contemporary world, many occupations have become passive. In the past, many
people
Use synonyms
 have participated in active jobs
such
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 as agriculture or farming, but these days many works are done behind the computers, so, employees do not need to do any physical activity at all.
Lastly
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, citizens, especially children tend to participate in passive recreation rather than active ones,
such
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 as playing video games or chatting with their friends through social media applications. Many steps can be taken to alleviate the situation. Parents should inform their children about their eating habits. It could be a good notion to familiarise them with good nutrition and the bad ones.
Also
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,
people
Use synonyms
 should devote their spare time to playing sports,
instead
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 of passive activities like watching television or listening to music.
Similarly
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, governments and teachers in schools can play an important role in mitigating
this
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 problem. They can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 and pupils to become more active through advertising and courses.
For example
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, educational departments can incorporate a course related to the diet habit into student's curriculum. In conclusion, there are several reasons why
people
Use synonyms
 become obese these days,
however
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, measures can be taken to address
this
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 issue.

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task achievement
Overall, your essay addresses the main points of the question and provides solutions. However, try to elaborate a bit more on the solutions you propose, making them more specific and actionable.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an effective introduction and conclusion. Work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs to make your argument flow even better.
task achievement
Ensure each main point is fully developed with specific examples or elaboration. Your example about your dissertation is good; adding similar specific points can strengthen your arguments further.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction that clearly identifies the problem and indicates that solutions will be provided.
logical structure
The essay is well-balanced, discussing both causes and solutions in appropriate detail.
supported main points
Good use of examples, such as your personal experience with fast food, helps to illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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