IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some primary schools have taken measures to prevent students from having mobile phones on school grounds. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schools #measures #students #phones #school #grounds
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In modern society, a mobile phone is something that all human beings have to live together. Primary
school
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students
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 are no exception, most of them are quite familiar with smartphones from a very young age. It can be easily imagined that
students
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 want to bring their own
phones
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 to
school
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 to play games, watch YouTube or take photos with friends. To cope with that, some primary
schools
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 have taken measures to prevent
students
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 from having mobile
phones
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 on
school
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 grounds. When it comes to negative aspects of bringing
phones
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 to
schools
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,
phones
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 may disturb the opportunity to study.
For instance
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,
students
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 might enjoy playing games or reading Manga under the desks with their
phones
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 during the class, which will definitely have a bad influence on the academic performance of
students
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. Another possible risk is that
students
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 can cheat during exams by utilizing
phones
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 to search for information that they should have remembered. Nothing to say, there is nothing that smartphones cannot do so it is difficult for teachers to control the usage of
phones
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 once it is brought to
schools
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.
On the other hand
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, there is
also
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 a way of viewing
phones
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 as useful tools of education.
For example
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, dictionaries can be installed on
phones
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 so that
students
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 don’t need to struggle to carry them from home to
school
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 every day. Searching engines
such
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 as Google or Yahoo
provides
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provide
show examples
 you with any information you are looking for to write essays or reports.
In other words
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, unless
phones
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 are used in the wrong way,
phones
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 can make education more effective and efficient and teach
students
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 how to cope with tons of information around us in
such
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 a knowledge-based society. Having said that, I personally don’t agree with the sentence and think it is unrealistic to tell
students
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 not to bring
phones
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 to
schools
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 in a current digital environment.
Phones
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 can even become positive instruments in the scene of education if they are used properly.
Submitted by amanetsuchimoto on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides a balanced view of the topic, discussing both negative and positive aspects of allowing mobile phones in primary schools. However, it could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen the arguments, particularly in the section about the educational benefits of phones.
coherence cohesion
The logical progression of ideas is generally clear, but there are a few areas where the flow could be improved. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that transitions between ideas are smooth. The introduction could be slightly more concise and the conclusion could better summarize the main points discussed.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded discussion, addressing both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a clear focus, which helps in presenting a structured argument.
task achievement
The essay concludes with the writer's own opinion, which is aligned with the arguments made in the body paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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