Some people believe that the government Should take care of old people and provide financial support after they retire. Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement. What is your opinion? Give reason for your answer and include examples from your own experienc
It is often believed that it is the
government
's responsibility to take care of seniors
after their retirement by providing financial support
while
some people
are pessimistic about this
, thinking it is the individual responsibility to save on their own. I partially support
the latter, for growing expenses for other areas including food
and education make it difficult for the authority
to Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
support
seniors
regardless of the fact their longevity leads to the shortage of their savings.
On the one hand, the government
needs to provide financial assistance to those who retire from work due to
the insufficiency of their money as they tend to live longer. In other words
, many seniors
continue to live after they consume their savings thanks to a healthy lifestyle supported by advanced medical technology as well as
nutricious
meals. Correct your spelling
nutritious
For instance
, an
average Correct article usage
the
life
expectancy in Japan today jumps to 85 years old, which is about 20 years longer than several decades ago. Therefore
, individual savings alone do not allow them to pay for food
and accommodation, promoting more poverty and mortality rates among elderies
.
Correct your spelling
elderly
On the other hand
, individuals should support
themselves as growing prices of food
and education affect more people
, in which the government
increasingly needs to invest. Indeed, the
inflation prevents more Correct article usage
apply
people
from accessing groceries, accelerating malnutrition and poverty; one out of four children in Japan is not able to eat enough food
today as the price rises dramatically by nearly 2% from last
year. Furthermore
, the rise in an educational cost creates a gap between the rich and the poor, which directly impacts their careers, increasing an
unemployment rate of the latter. Correct article usage
the
Thus
, the government
should distribute more money to future generations than older people
to encourage their prosperity.
In conclusion, I somewhat agree that individuals should take care of their own life
after retirement since the public faces
more Change the verb form
face
threat
as prices of Fix the agreement mistake
threats
food
and education rise. However
, the government
should ensure a fundamental life
for seniors
whose life
expectancy gets longer than ever before.Submitted by mizuho on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured overall but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that outlines both sides of the argument and your partial agreement more explicitly. This will help set a clearer direction for your discussion.
task achievement
Some of your sentences can be refined for better clarity. For example, 'Others say individuals should save during their working years to fund their own retirement' could be rephrased to 'Others argue that individuals should be responsible for saving during their working years to fund their own retirement.' Small refinements like this can enhance the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view, acknowledging both sides of the argument effectively. This is a strength as it shows the complexity of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting both viewpoints, and a conclusion that summarizes your stance, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your arguments, such as the reference to the rising life expectancy and inflation in Japan. These examples make your points more concrete and convincing.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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