IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that his money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?

#people #government #money #arts
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It is said that some believe the government should spend their
money
elsewhere
 rather than on the
arts
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it is a waste of
money
. I strongly disagree with
this
 opinion
due to
 its financial benefits.
Firstly
,
art
 forms are a kind of self-expression, which is compatible with human nature. Music, artefacts, and poetry are examples of the
arts
 which reflect individuals' insights.
As a result
, the works of
art
 can be instinctively enjoyable for people, and if the governments pay more attention to the
art
 forms in their society, people may have good mental health.
This
 leads to the psychological stability of the community. Individuals in
such
 a society may be in high levels of sufficiency, leading to the creation of a more developed community.
In addition
, the
arts
 can be a source of income for the governments. By holding
art
 festivals, including performing and visual
arts
 or literature, people from all over the world can be motivated to visit or participate in the festivals. It would be a great opportunity for the governments to earn more
money
 and have a dynamic economy.
However
, some say that investing
money
 in the
arts
 by
governmnts
Correct your spelling
governments
government
 can be a waste of
money
, and it is not an important issue. But I strongly believe that it cannot be true. Because the
arts
 can play positive and significant roles in the mental health and economy of the community.
Submitted by hg1984 on

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introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, ensure that you present opposing views in a more balanced way. This can help demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
relevant specific examples
While your points are relevant and supported, adding more specific examples could strengthen your argument. For instance, mentioning specific art festivals that have boosted the economy would make your essay more convincing.
logical structure
To achieve a higher score in coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. This will make your essay flow more smoothly.
complete response
Your task response is strong as you clearly addressed the prompt and provided a complete response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your main ideas are clear and comprehensively presented, making your argument easy to follow and understand.
supported main points
Your essay supports the main points effectively, making it persuasive and logical.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • enriching society
  • promoting cultural understanding
  • development of talent
  • creative industries
  • economic benefits
  • generate revenue
  • cultural heritage
  • identity
  • prioritize spending
  • needs of the majority
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