It was predicted that people living in the twenty-first century would have more free time than ever before because of improvements in technology. To what extent has this prediction come true?
The advent of technology in recent years allows
people
to enjoy their free time
more than any antecedent period of the twenty-first century. While
technological improvement offers unparalleled convenience, this
expectation has only proved true to a certain extent since a significant amount of people
still struggle with heavy workloads or financial difficulties, foremostly seizing up their free time
.
It is undeniable to state the essential role of machinery in daily lives, as the world keeps moving consistently, utilising engines to their full potential is not only a way to narrow down labour-intensive activities,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
an effective option to preserve free time
for ourselves. Take house chores for granted, family members usually divide tasks and do the work on their own after an occupational burnout. However
, this
burden couldn’t suppress them for not so long ever since the appearance of these prodigious innovations - vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, washing machines, or
even delivery robots - turned the table around. These intelligent automatic devices require electricity plugged in and simple steps to launch, helpfully save up most of the day with their smart sensors and salient featuresCorrect word choice
and
,
and successfully finish with the house entirely polished and light work involved. Accompanied by the assistance of advanced automation, folks are now able to take a step back from the hustle and bustle lifestyle, enjoy their pastimes, focus on their loved ones and enhance their social skills.
Remove the comma
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Conversely
, state-of-the-art apparatus are extravagant even for middle-class households, resulting in extra manual working hours. Low income with a plethora of tax bills, amenity fees, and necessities deter people
from obtaining modern devices to help them out with house chores. In the bigger picture, they can barely survive and maintain their money flow to keep the family functioning, not to mention
the sky-high price tag to afford these technologies. This
so-called “life standard” exhausts families from working, a cycle in which they have no choice but to grind hard, exploit their health and deform their mindset for the cost of living. Since this
convenient lifestyle must be traded off by paying a month-worth amount, it is then
slowly drifting away from the public's primary interest and coming in as a waste of money. These home appliances’ duties are handed back to the folk’s already-struggled life, for they feel like tackling major problems is more crucial than purchasing fancy appliances. For these reasons, the expectation that people
living in the twenty-first century would have more free time
might not age very well to this
extent.
In the denouement, it is understandable why historians believed in such
a prospect of a liberal lifestyle in a society with a rapid development rate of automation. Despite all of the advantages we can pick up from these current automobiles, reality remains harsh since many family circumstances are diverse and not everyone has the financial abundance to afford modern devices, this
expectation so far is correct only to a fair extent.Submitted by hawtzvnq on
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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. Although you did mention that the prediction has only partially come true, a more direct thesis statement would be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining the transitions between paragraphs. While your ideas flow logically, more seamless transitions could enhance the essay's overall coherence.
general
Aim to vary your sentence structures to keep the reader engaged. While your vocabulary is advanced, the complexity of sentences can be improved.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples, especially when discussing household chores and financial difficulties. This strengthens your argument and adds credibility to your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure and is divided into clear paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the topic. This organization makes it easier to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and neatly wrapped up your discussion, giving the essay a complete and polished feel.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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