IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

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Vaccinations help stop
children
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 from getting sick and prevent dangerous diseases from spreading. There is debate about
weather
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whether
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parents
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 should be forced to vaccinate their
children
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 if they should have a
choice
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. I believe
parents
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 should be required to vaccinate their
children
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 to protect public health. First and foremost, one reason
vaccination
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 should be required is that it protects everyone in the community.
This
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 is because
vaccination
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 stops diseases from spreading. If most
people
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 get vaccinated, it helps protect others who are not able to be vaccinated, like
people
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 with weak immune systems.
Additionally
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, the disease can come back if
people
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 avoid getting vaccines.
For example
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, diseases like COVID-19 are reappearing and not enough
people
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 get vaccinated, which is dangerous for everyone.
Secondly
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, another reason is that
vaccination
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 is a shared responsibility for society. Public health is more important than personal
choice
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.
Moreover
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,
while
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people
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 have rights, those rights should not put others at risk
due to
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vaccination
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 helps to protect everyone.
However
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, the government intervention is necessary to ensure safety.
For instance
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, seatbelt laws that help hundreds of lives from accidents, and
vaccination
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 mandates protect the public from harm. If left entirely to personal
choice
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, the risks could lead to widespread outbreaks and increased healthcare costs. In conclusion, ensuring
children
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 are vaccinated is a crucial responsibility for both
parents
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 and society.
While
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 some argue for individual freedom, the risks of not vaccinating
children
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 far outweigh the benefits of personal
choice
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. In my view, the protection of public health should be taken seriously, and
parents
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 should be legally required to immunise their
children
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.

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task achievement
Ensure to address all parts of the task thoroughly. For example, you could discuss more about the individual's right or why some parents might choose not to vaccinate their children.
task achievement
Try to provide more examples or evidence to support your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and demonstrate a thorough understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Make use of clear paragraphs for each main idea. This enhances readability and makes it easier to follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with some words, for instance, the spelling of 'weather' should be 'whether.' Though minor, ensuring accuracy helps maintain clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the argument nicely.
task achievement
You provide a strong argument for mandatory vaccination by focusing on public health benefits and shared societal responsibility.
task achievement
Using relevant, relatable examples like COVID-19 and seatbelt laws strengthens your argument and adds depth to your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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