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Band 7

All students ought to study art and music in school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Education plays a crucial part in people's lives. Nowadays, many schools require their
students
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 to study
art
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 and
music
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,
while
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 many parents consider it a useless thing that wastes time.
Nevertheless
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, I would say that studying
art
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 and
music
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 in school is completely beneficial for pupils for some reasons that are set out below. For many people, studying
art
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 and
music
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 subjects is time-consuming and should be abolished. It is said that for
students
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 heavily involved in
art
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 and
music
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 subjects, meanwhile balancing with other academic responsibilities may be challenging.
First,
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I would argue that studying
art
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 and
music
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 may help
students
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 to enhance their creativity and self-expression. A good example of
this
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 is the subjects could encourage them to think creatively, develop their ideas, and express themselves in unique ways. It is generally accepted that many people argue that studying
art
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 and
music
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 is unuseful
,
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apply
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 since the creative industry has limited job security. Many parents argue that the job opportunities in these fields are often competitive and financially uncertain. In fact, nowadays the creative industry experienced rapid growth with the existence of digital media, streaming platforms, and social media.
Also
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, it is noticed that the demand for creative professionals,
such
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 as graphic designers, animators, content creators, and musicians increased.
For instance
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, the
art
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 and
music
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 industries offer a wide range of career opportunities that are stable and profitable. In conclusion, studying
art
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 and
music
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 in school may bring many advantages for
students
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 because they enable pupils to improve their cognitive skills and creativity
while
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 studying.

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Task Achievement
You have presented a clear opinion on the topic, but further elaboration on your arguments could strengthen your position. Consider providing more specific examples to support your claims.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences have minor grammatical issues that could impact clarity. Proofreading your work for grammatical consistency and sentence structure can enhance overall coherence.
Structure
You successfully stated your opinion clearly in the introduction and reinforced it in the conclusion, which enhances the overall structure of your essay.
Examples
You provided relevant examples, particularly in the discussion about job opportunities in the creative industry, which adds depth to your argument.
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