IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

All students ought to study art and music in school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#students #study #art #music #school
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Art and music have been one of the most crucial
subject
Change to a plural noun
subjects
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 in school. Some may argue that all students should be obligated to study them. Personally, I agree
to
Change preposition
with
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this
Linking Words
 movement.
Nevertheless
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,
although
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 those learning topics serve a lot of benefits, there are other things that should be considered and
this
Linking Words
 essay will go on to discuss other factors too.
To begin
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 with, both art and music hone the children's imagination, as they are required to visualize images and rhythm in ways words alone cannot describe.
This
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 sets
as
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apply
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an extraordinary foundation for their futures
due to
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 the fact that the current society
respect
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respects
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 people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 possess ingenuity.
Furthermore
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, surveys have shown that kids
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have a higher exposure towards creative activities are less burnt out with
schoolworks
Correct your spelling
schoolwork
school works
.
Additionally
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,
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 being exposed will open up new career paths,
such
Linking Words
 as becoming an artist or a musician.
However
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, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 factors that should be kept in mind. First of all, other school subjects should not be neglected;
for instance
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, mathematics, science, ethics, and law education. One way to avoid
this
Linking Words
 is to keep assignments from each
studies
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study
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 balanced.
Secondly
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, some kids may not have an interest or an aptitude for art and music. Forcing these subjects may
instead
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creates
Change the verb form
create
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 conflicts between them and teachers or parents and
affecting
Wrong verb form
affect
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 their
overall
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 studies. To sum it all up, all schools should have cultural studies so as to foster the children's creativity.
Nonetheless
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, they should keep the material given out balanced to
avoid
Verb problem
prevent
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 the young ones
to lose
Change preposition
from losing
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 focus on topics that are more important,
such
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 as mathematics.
Furthermore
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, the amount of cultural materials given out to them should vary
according to
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 their own personal interests.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or evidences that support your arguments. This will demonstrate your ability to present comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all main points are thoroughly supported and elaborated to maintain strong cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay begins with a clear introduction and finishes with a strong conclusion, summarizing the views effectively.
task achievement
The arguments are logically structured, which helps in maintaining a good flow throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the writer's position, which is then elaborated well in the subsequent paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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