IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem” To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents #problem”
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It is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 undeniable point that,
children
Use synonyms
 are the future of the nation, but nowadays youngsters are very irresponsible in their
lifestyle
Use synonyms
. Some people believe that both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 should take measures to solve
this
Linking Words
 issue and I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, I will explain in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the first
teachers
Use synonyms
 of their kids, they not only nurture them but
also
Linking Words
 help them to adopt good habits
such
Linking Words
 as exercising every day, eating green vegetables, and drinking a lot of water. That's why co-
parents
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 are fully responsible for a better
lifestyle
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 for juniors.
Moreover
Linking Words
, juveniles become the first carbon copies of their
parents
Use synonyms
, they do whatever their
parents
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 think, watch, and do.
For example
Linking Words
, my cousin loves to consume alcohol,
due to
Linking Words
 his biological
parents
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 drinking every day,
hence
Linking Words
, it is proven that both mother and father should take care of their minors, so they can be healthy.
Secondly
Linking Words
, school is the place where
children
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 learn everything like good manners, what to eat, and when to eat
as well as
Linking Words
 how to eat, that's why instructors can easily guide the scholars regarding their tiffin boxes like what they need to bring or not.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, there should be extracurricular activities in the academy where students can learn the importance of sports, yoga, and excessive nutrition for their bodies. A recent study has shown data from the United States, where teenagers are much healthier than their
parents
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 just because of their extra sports activity and good diet.
As a result
Linking Words
, it is easy for tutors to look after the kids for their healthy
lifestyle
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. To synopsize, I pen down saying that,
parents
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 are the first
teachers
Use synonyms
 and kids do, whatever their
parents
Use synonyms
 and school staff can easily supervise the
children
Use synonyms
's eating habits and guide them,
consequently
Linking Words
, both
parents
Use synonyms
 are
teachers
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility for the
children
Use synonyms
 to avoid the unhealthy
lifestyle
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by hkaur14165 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents clear arguments. To improve, ensure that all examples are fully developed and clearly linked to your main points.
coherence cohesion
While your paragraphs are generally cohesive, some transitions could be smoother. Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your logical structure by making sure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and flows naturally from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is effective and clearly lays out your stance on the topic, setting up the discussion well.
task achievement
You provide relevant points and examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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