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Band 6

More and more people are using computers and electric devices to access information, therefore there is no need for printed books, magazines and newspapers. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Technology)

#people #computers #devices #access #information #books #magazines #newspapers #technology
Nowadays, the majority of people
handling
Verb problem
use
show examples
 electronic devices to read news and gain details
instead
 of using newspapers or paper
books
. I agree with the idea that the community should use technology more than traditional ways. In the upcoming paragraphs, I shall discuss my point of view in detail. There are several reasons why people abandon the newspaper and printed
books
.
Firstly
, newspapers and
books
 are now published online
as well as
 in print and
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 many benefits to the public in their lives. Because they can read the news or report and obtain useful information in any language from all around the world.
Secondly
, electronic devices like computers and mobile phones are most the popular gadgets in today's world.
Thus
, it costs nothing for individuals to publish or access information.
Finally
, the use of technology helps reduce paper consumption in the world, which in turn helps to stop deforestation, benefiting the environment.
However
, there are
also
 negative impacts
such
 as the closure the bookstores
due to
 the decreased demand for printed
books
and so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
which leads to increased unemployment.
Therefore
, most adults do not like reading from a screen and it seems to be difficult for them to
adoption
Replace the word
adopt
show examples
 or communicate with electric devices.
Besides
, people still buy newspapers and
books
 because they are portable. In conclusion, despite the negative consequences of closing a bookstore or rising unemployment, I believe that technology helps crowds to access quickly information and the latest news and
also
 it causes to avoidance of to damage the environment.
Submitted by abphobos70 on

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task achievement
Ensure consistency in terminology: For example, instead of switching between 'electronic devices' and 'electric devices', consistently use 'electronic devices'.
task achievement
Address counterarguments more comprehensively: While the essay mentions some negative impacts, it would benefit from a more robust discussion of opposing views.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and grammar: For example, the essay sometimes has awkward phrasing that could be improved for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion: The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that summarize the main points effectively.
task achievement
Relevant points: The essay provides relevant points and arguments supporting the use of technology over printed materials.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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