IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that money is one of the most important factors in a person's happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #factors #person #happiness
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The debate about the role of
money
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 in achieving
happiness
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 is ongoing.
While
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 it does play a significant role in providing basic needs and security, it is important to acknowledge that it is not the sole reason for
happiness
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.
Therefore
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, I agree that
money
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 is one of the most important factors in a person’s
happiness
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Firstly
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,
money
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 is essential for providing basic needs
such
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 as food, shelter, education, and healthcare. Without these basics, it is challenging to lead a happy and stable life. Financial
stability
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 can
also
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 reduce stress and anxiety,
due to
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 the fact that people who have reached
this
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stability
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 do not have to think about providing for their basic needs.
This
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 allows individuals to focus on relationships and doing what they love, including their hobbies and interests.
However
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, the influence of
money
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 on
happiness
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 slowly fades away once basic needs are met. I believe that after reaching a certain level of income, additional wealth could have a minimal impact on someone’s well-being. Factors
such
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 as relationships and good health become more valuable and significant.
For instance
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, strong social connections and a supportive family can provide emotional support and a sense of belonging that
money
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 can not buy. In conclusion,
while
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money
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 is undoubtedly an important factor in achieving
happiness
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, especially in terms of meeting basic needs and ensuring financial
stability
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, it is not the most crucial. In my opinion, a more balanced approach that values personal fulfilment and relationships with financial
stability
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 is more likely to lead to long-lasting elation.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Consider adding more specific examples or evidence to further strengthen your argument. Mentioning studies or real-life scenarios can support your points more effectively.
task achievement
Try to elaborate on your arguments slightly more to enhance the depth of your essay. For example, explain more about the diminishing returns of wealth on happiness with concrete examples.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain a seamless flow throughout the essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay topic effectively.
logical structure
The structure of your essay is logical with a clear progression of ideas.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance.
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