IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more people are moving from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order tolook for work. What will be consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?

#people #background #cities #tolook #work #consequences #offer
Over the
last
 few decades,changing the location of living has risen dramatically.
In other words
,the majority of
people
 have moved from suburbs to capital
cities
 in order to find a proper job in recent years.
This
 essay will look at some results of
this
 action and
also
 I will propose some effective solutions. Let's begin by looking at some consequences which will be created when
people
 move to crowded
cities
.
Firstly
,If more
people
 move to another
mega city
Add a hyphen
mega-city
show examples
,the population of the city will increase sharply.
That is
 to say,the percentage of
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 who live in a big city rockets
due to
 the
imigrants
Correct your spelling
immigrants
.
Secondly
,the expenses of renting
residence
Correct article usage
a residence
show examples
 will rise dramatically because of more
demanding
Replace the word
demand
show examples
 for
houses
.Clearly,If more
people
 migrate from agricultural areas to large
cities
,the costs of living will climb. Turning to the side of the solutions,dealing with
this
 issue,the
government
 should prepare some well-paid jobs for
people
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
ouside
Correct your spelling
outside
 of the capital
cities
 so as to reduce the number of
imigrants
Correct your spelling
immigrants
.It is considered that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
not only do
people
 find better jobs in their local regions,but
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 the population of
croweded
Correct your spelling
crowded
cities
 will not increase.
Moreover
,to tackle the issue of more
demanding
Replace the word
demand
show examples
 for
houses
,the
government
 should realize the percentage of accessible
houses
 in big
cities
.Generally speaking,the
government
 should construct more residences
for preparing
Change preposition
to prepare
show examples
 an opportunity for renting or purchasing
houses
.
To conclude
,there is no doubt that most
people
 are keen on moving
another
Change preposition
to another
show examples
 big
citiy
Correct your spelling
city
 to find a job.
It is clear that
 the results of
this
 changing the location might not
b
Correct your spelling
be
 suitable for both
people
 and
government
.
As a consequence
,these problems will remain unchanged unless the
government
 consider the solutions.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task response
The essay addresses the task by outlining both the consequences and the solutions related to urban migration. However, to elevate your task response score, consider providing more specific examples and deeper analysis of each point. For example, delve into how increased urban populations strain public services or create environmental issues.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are logically organized, and the essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Nevertheless, there are occasional issues with sentence flow and connectivity between ideas. Try using more varied linking words and phrases to improve cohesion. Additionally, avoid repeating phrases like 'the government should'; instead, use synonyms or rephrase to show a wider range of vocabulary.
language
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect clarity. For instance, 'Changing the location of living has risen' should be 'The trend of changing one's living location has risen'. Additionally, 'the percentage of community' should be 'the percentage of the community'. Work on refining your grammar and expression for greater clarity and impact.
structure
The essay has a well-organized structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow your arguments.
content
You have identified both the potential consequences of urban migration and proposed viable solutions, showing a good understanding of the issue.
tone
Your essay maintains a formal tone throughout and uses appropriate vocabulary related to the topic, which enhances the professionalism of your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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