IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.

#people #parents #decisions #lives
The
youth
 in the previous generation used to depend on their guardians much more than the current ones to make their own stands .
This
 essay agrees with
this
 opinion .The
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 for
this
 fact is that the present
youth
 have more knowledge about their surroundings and know the latest developments happening around and globally .
This
 essay will cover the points
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
supporting
this
 view
Firstly
 ,in the past gathering
information
 was not so easy .
This
 is because to get
information
 regarding a specific topic, books were the only option .
Moreover
, getting access to proper books
also
 were difficult in the past .
Due to
this
 reason, they had to depend on their parents for guidance.
For instance
, if a young graduate wanted to go abroad for studies in the past , it could have been difficult for him to gather the necessary data for that, from his local surroundings .
Moreover
, getting to know the living environment in the foreign land could have been almost impossible
Whereas
 ,for the current
youth
 all the
information
 is available at their fingertips.
Hence
, they are much more informed about the local and global trends and developments . Considering the same situation of going abroad for studies . For the present
youth
, they are accessible to all the required info . Because of
this
 they need not depend on their parents for their own decisions
To conclude
 , since the present generation of
youth
 has much more availability of
information
, they are more knowledgeable .
This
 makes them capable of making their own decisions without depending on their parents , compared to the previous youths .
Submitted by drcamt on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay adequately addressed the question, the introduction could be more engaging and the thesis statement more clear. Consider refining your opening sentences to capture the reader's attention and clearly state your position.
task achievement
Some key points lack depth and detailed explanation. For instance, explaining specific ways that technology has impacted young people’s decision-making could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. Use more transitional phrases or linking words to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence and cohesion
Work on sentence structure and avoid repetition. For instance, the phrase 'For the present youth' is repeated which affects fluency.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You did a good job in presenting a clear stance in the introduction and maintaining it throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: