In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Health
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problems
such
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as
obesity
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is
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are
show examples
one
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of the main
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issue
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issues
show examples
in our society. There are factors predisposing
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this
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to this
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issue
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and
one
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of them is indulging
unhealthy
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in unhealthy
show examples
junk
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food
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.
Companies
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who market through
adevertising
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advertising
their
junk
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food
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are somewhat to blame
in
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for
show examples
this
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issue
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as
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most
people
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argue. Somewhat, it is believed that half of the consumers are children under 10 years old who
has
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have
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the most number of
obesity
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cases in the world.
With
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In
show examples
this
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regard,
people
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believe that
through
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apply
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these enticing
advertisement
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advertisements
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by these
companies
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
the
cause
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of
this
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problem. Unhealthy products
such
Linking Words
as chips from Jack & Jill
contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
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about
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to about
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30% of the
junk
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food
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production in the United States and with
this
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percentage, parents of the affected children suggest
to ban
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banning
show examples
these harmful
producers
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products
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.
However
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, there are
otherfactors
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other factors
of
obesity
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that can
cause
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consumers to become
one
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.
One
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of the
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cause
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causes
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is not exercising and eating more unhealthy
food
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aside from
junk
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food
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. The
companies
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involved in
this
Linking Words
matter stated that
instead
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of banning
its advertisement
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their advertisements
show examples
,
people
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must have an effective education about
health
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.
Thus
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, they believe that banning
advertisement
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advertisements
show examples
will still
cause
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the population to acquire
health
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problems
such
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as
obesity
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knowing it is not just consuming excess
junk
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food
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that
predispose
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predisposes
show examples
Linking Words
this
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to this
show examples
issue
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.
Therefore
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, banning
companies
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in
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from
show examples
advertising their product will not help reduce the cases of
obesity
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. Educating the
people
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to be responsible in eating and caring
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one's
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for one's
show examples
health
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is more effective than compromising
companies
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.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task achievement
Clarify your introduction. Clearly state that the essay will discuss both views regarding junk food advertising and obesity before giving your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Refine your paragraphs to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with 'Somewhat,' vary your sentence structures to maintain reader interest.
task achievement
Include more relevant specific examples or evidence to support your main points. This can help illustrate your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical connectivity between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting details, and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Conclude by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion in a clear, concise manner. This will provide a stronger finish to your essay.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument and provided a clear personal opinion.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant insights and mentions important aspects of the obesity and advertising debate.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized with separate paragraphs for different points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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