IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#societies #obesity #people #junk #food
Health
 problems
such
 as
obesity
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
one
 of the main
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 in our society. There are factors predisposing
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
issue
 and
one
 of them is indulging
unhealthy
Change preposition
in unhealthy
show examples
junk
food
.
Companies
 who market through
adevertising
Correct your spelling
advertising
 their
junk
food
 are somewhat to blame
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
issue
 as
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most
people
 argue. Somewhat, it is believed that half of the consumers are children under 10 years old who
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the most number of
obesity
 cases in the world.
With
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
 regard,
people
 believe that
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these enticing
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 by these
companies
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 the
cause
 of
this
 problem. Unhealthy products
such
 as chips from Jack & Jill
contributed
Wrong verb form
contribute
show examples
about
Change preposition
to about
show examples
 30% of the
junk
food
 production in the United States and with
this
 percentage, parents of the affected children suggest
to ban
Change the verb form
banning
show examples
 these harmful
producers
Replace the word
products
show examples
.
However
, there are
otherfactors
Correct your spelling
other factors
 of
obesity
 that can
cause
 consumers to become
one
.
One
 of the
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 is not exercising and eating more unhealthy
food
 aside from
junk
food
. The
companies
 involved in
this
 matter stated that
instead
 of banning
its advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
their advertisements
show examples
,
people
 must have an effective education about
health
.
Thus
, they believe that banning
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 will still
cause
 the population to acquire
health
 problems
such
 as
obesity
 knowing it is not just consuming excess
junk
food
 that
predispose
Change the verb form
predisposes
show examples
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
issue
.
Therefore
, banning
companies
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 advertising their product will not help reduce the cases of
obesity
. Educating the
people
 to be responsible in eating and caring
one's
Change preposition
for one's
show examples
health
 is more effective than compromising
companies
.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task achievement
Clarify your introduction. Clearly state that the essay will discuss both views regarding junk food advertising and obesity before giving your opinion.
coherence cohesion
Refine your paragraphs to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with 'Somewhat,' vary your sentence structures to maintain reader interest.
task achievement
Include more relevant specific examples or evidence to support your main points. This can help illustrate your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical connectivity between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea followed by supporting details, and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Conclude by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion in a clear, concise manner. This will provide a stronger finish to your essay.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument and provided a clear personal opinion.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant insights and mentions important aspects of the obesity and advertising debate.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized with separate paragraphs for different points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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