IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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People
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 recently have faced lots of
celebrities
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 most of them are known for their beautiful faces and the huge money which they owe ,rather than their abilities.
That is
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 a wrong perception for others specifically youths who tend to mimic
celebrities
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. I agree with
this
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 statement somewhat but I think it is not totally true. In my opinion,
celebrities
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such
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 as Hollywood actors who are rich obtain most of their wealth from working
however
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, after becoming famous
people
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 only see their money. Unfortunately, the processes of advertising do not focus on their abilities and show them as a person who has lots of money and attracts
people
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 in
this
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 way. Many
celebrities
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 introduce commercial products and encourage
people
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 to follow them and purchase from manufacturers.
As a result
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, they do not show their talent in these parts of their work.
Additionally
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, youngsters who like to be at
this
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 level of wealth are confused about the right way to progress.
On the other hand
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, teenagers who often have a favour to be famous try to make themself like
celebrities
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.
Consequently
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, they wear clothes and make-up the same as their favourite actor or singer,
therefore
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, these younger
people
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 will be exposed to some vulnerable results .we hear from the news about youths who want to be famous unfortunately, they are involved in gang groups that are shown by some
celebrities
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 for benefits.
Moreover
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,
celebrities
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 should be aware fans to know their life story in order to promote their training and hard work. In conclusion, seeing
celebrities
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 in the media is not their real life. It is unquestionable that famous
people
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 made lots of effort to achieve their position but they do not have the desire to express that to others. Teachers and parents need to educate their children to study
celebrities
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โ€™ achievements
in addition
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 to their income and appearance.

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Task Response
Your essay addresses the main points of the task, but it could benefit from greater clarity and conciseness. Try to maintain a clear and logical structure throughout, ensuring that each paragraph addresses one main idea.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on logical transitions and coherence between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your ideas flow more naturally and make your argument more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Be careful with grammar and word choice. There are a few inaccuracies that slightly obscure the meaning. Proofreading and more practice can help reduce these errors.
Task Response
Your essay raises valid points about celebrities and their influence on youth. You include relevant examples and address both sides of the argument, which enriches your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion adequately frame the essay. They provide a good starting point and a satisfactory closing that ties your arguments together.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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