Some people think that social networking sites have a huge negative impact on both individuals and society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a common belief that social networking websites have a big detrimental impact on
people
and our community these days. However
, I firmly believe that there are several advantages to social networking sites as people
can contact their families and friends and it can have some economic effects on our society.
On the one hand, a growing number of people
say that online spaces like Instagram and Facebook have some drawbacks because some people
like to compare themselves to others. Moreover
, individuals, who desire to be like influencers, can easily feel depressed for the same reason. This
is especially true among people
who are from Butan. According to
the research, Butan used to be the happiest country in the world. However
, it changed after they were able to access online and see other people
's lives outside of their country as they eventually started comparing themselves to others.
However
, it is clear that
there are several positive benefits to social media. The most conspicuous one lies in the fact that social networking sites can provide precious spaces for communication. For example
, people
who live apart from their families,
can easily share their lives with their family members or friends. Remove the comma
apply
In addition
, it can be beneficial for individuals who want to make money and this
virtual space can increase economic growth in our society. For example
, there are a number of housewives who make their profit by utilizing an Instagram page.
In conclusion, while
it is apparent that social networking sites have some negative impacts on both individuals and our society as they can make us compare to others, it is evident that there are several advantages as we can share our daily lives with our close family who are living apart from us.Submitted by hmhy0326 on
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coherence cohesion
To strengthen the logical structure of your essay, you could aim to make smoother transitions between points. Linking phrases can help guide the reader through your arguments more clearly, making your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph sticks closely to a single main point to enhance coherence. For example, the second paragraph could focus solely on the economic benefits of social networking sites, while another paragraph could solely discuss the emotional or social benefits.
task achievement
Expand a bit more on the counterarguments and provide slight refutations to solidify your position. This will demonstrate a balanced view and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which enhances the readability and structure of your work.
task achievement
The use of relevant specific examples, such as the case of Bhutan and housewives using Instagram for profit, effectively supports your points and makes your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
You have provided clear and comprehensive ideas, addressing the prompt effectively and covering both sides of the argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.