IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Are
smartphones
Use synonyms
 harming children? There are increasing concerns that
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are hindering students from studying and other necessary duties. The question of whether to spend hours every day on electronic devices is worthy of debate. I think frequent use of
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in a daily routine can be a positive development.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are many ways to utilize
smartphones
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 through various types of applications. Take YouTube as an example. With the advent of YouTube, the limitations of location and time are being diminished. People can visit anywhere they want and enjoy content at any time through small electronic devices. The development of applications and the evolution of media have freed people from geographical borders and fostered a global society.
As a result
Linking Words
, children can explore the world they want to know and acquire the knowledge they seek.
Moreover
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, with the prevalence of
smartphones
Use synonyms
, many business organizations have started to create abundant learning applications related to formal education courses and elective courses or special extracurricular activities that schools cannot cover during classes,
such
Linking Words
 as language courses or advanced mathematics problems. Thanks to these accessible opportunities through devices, students can easily access learning resources.
This
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 can significantly reduce the disparity in educational accessibility among students. To recapitulate, spending hours a day on
smartphones
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 can be worthwhile if used productively. Adapting to new phases resulting from changes
such
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 as digital industrialization plays a significant role in the progress of individuals and organizations.
Furthermore
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, children can make a difference in their communities and bring about positive changes that shape the course of history.
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task response
Your introduction clearly states your position and sets the stage for the discussion. However, a better definition of the exact reasons why children spend hours on smartphones, beyond just the benefits, would make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
You’ve organized your essay well, with clear paragraphs dedicated to different points. However, adding some transitional phrases between paragraphs could enhance the flow of ideas.
task response
Providing a bit more specific evidence or examples, particularly in the second body paragraph, would strengthen your argument. For instance, mentioning well-known learning apps or citing statistics could add credibility.
task response
Your stance on the issue is clear and well-explained, with a balanced view on the potential positive uses of smartphones.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is sound, with each paragraph building on the previous one.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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