IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

To solve the problem of environmental pollution we need to increase the cost of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#pollution #cost #fuel
In job applications,
employers
 often demand personal
information
such
 as
hobbies
, interests, and marital status.
While
 some argue that
this
 message is useful, others believe it is not important.
This
 essay will discuss why I agree that
such
 personal
information
 can be beneficial for both
employers
 and applicants.
Firstly
, understanding the applicant's
hobbies
 and interests can give some essential knowledge about delegates to recruiters.
For example
, if candidates enjoy team sports, it may indicate that they are good at group work.
Similarly
, all
hobbies
 are deeply related to work qualities.
Secondly
, knowing whether an applicant is married or single can sometimes be relevant, particularly in roles that involve most frequently travel or relocation.
For instance
, a single person can travel more.
Lastly
, personal
information
 can
also
 help
employers
 create a more balanced workforce. By considering wide distinctive experiences, companies can build teams that bring different ideas to the table. In conclusion,
while
 some people think personal
information
 is not important in job applications, I believe that it can be useful for
employers
. Understanding an applicant's
hobbies
, interests, and marital status can give valuable insights into their personality, ability to do something, and more. They are very crucial if you want to make fair choices.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your main points with additional examples or evidence. For instance, you mentioned that hobbies are deeply related to work qualities but didn't go into much detail on how different hobbies correlate with different job skills.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Using transitional phrases can help achieve this. For example, starting a paragraph with 'Furthermore' or 'Additionally' can make your essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of small grammatical errors and improve sentence structure. For example, 'deeply related to work qualities' should be 'deeply related to essential work qualities.' Also, 'most frequently travel' should be 'frequent travel.'
introduction
Your introduction clearly states the essay's purpose and sets up the discussion nicely. This gives the reader a clear idea of what to expect.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear stance on the issue. This makes your argument more compelling and leaves a strong impression on the reader.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as team sports and frequent travel, to support your main points. This adds depth to your argument and helps the reader understand the practical implications.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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