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Writing Samples
Band 3

In some countries, children under 16 years old are not allowed by law to leave school and get full time work. Is this a good or bad thing ? Discuss your opinion

#countries #children #years #law #school #time #work
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To begin
 with, governments take precautions about education and employment, Those two subjects are related.
Therefore
, a balance between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 must maintained. Each government have special solutions
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
 educational or employment problems. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, in some countries,
children
 under 16 years old
according to
 current law can not leave school and get
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 work.
Children
 mustn’t be pushed
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 study, they can decide
working
Correct word choice
whether working
show examples
 or studying which one suited for
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
However
,
due to
 their age, they are not yet qualified for
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 working. Before that, they have to improve their basic and analytic skills.
Further
, they must learn basic subjects
such
 as mathematics, physics, history et cetera.
Due to
children
’s improvement, school leaving age is limited by governments. In my opinion, if
children
get
Verb problem
have
show examples
 enough abilities or qualities to
fulltime
Correct your spelling
full-time
show examples
 work, we shouldn’t affect their freedom to choose. As a conclusion,
children
 under 16 years old are not yet qualified to leave school and get
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
 work. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, they have to get their ages and learn basic subjects to become qualified.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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task achievement
Strengthen the support for your main points by providing more relevant and specific examples. This will make your arguments more convincing and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic. For instance, discuss the potential long-term benefits of education on employment opportunities.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between ideas. Use more linking words and phrases to connect your sentences and paragraphs better. This will make your essay easier to follow and improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which shows a clear structure.
task achievement
The main points of your argument are present and relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly wraps up your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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