IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last decade. discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #decade #effects #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the
last
 decade, the proportion of obese children has increased by nearly 20% in Western society. There are many reasons leading to obesity and its effects,
such
 as the wider spread of technology causing mental harm.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 poor diet may lead to health issues.
Firstly
, the primary cause is the widespread use of technology. Because of
this
, children spend most of their time engaged with devices, leading to a lack of physical activity and resulting in obesity.
For example
, nowadays, when most children wake up, the first thing they do is check their phones or iPads.
Additionally
,
this
 can cause mental harm,
such
 as feeling stressed and lonely
due to
 their weight.
Furthermore
, these days, the amount of
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
 over the world has increased rapidly. To clarify, in the
last
 15 years, many kinds of
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
 have
been emerged
Change to the active voice
emerged
show examples
, which makes people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
dine outside rather than prepare home-cooked meals.
For instance
, RFC has thousands of branches in Oman and they produce plenty of advertisements which encourage people to buy as it is fast and easy to prepare.
Moreover
, these foods contain high levels of sodium and sugar content which are factors for weight increase.
To sum up
,
although
 the wider spread of technology and poor diet are
emerged
Wrong verb form
emerging
show examples
 nowadays, these reasons might lead to mental impacts and health issues.
Submitted by alharrasialanood7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure each main point is fully developed with clear, relevant examples and explanations. This will help provide a more complete response and improve the support for your main points.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure by ensuring a more balanced development of ideas in each paragraph. It might help to separate the causes and effects into different paragraphs for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction and conclusion by clearly outlining what will be discussed and summarizing the key points effectively. This makes the essay more cohesive.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both causes and effects of childhood obesity. This shows a good understanding of the requirements.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the mention of RFC, helps to make the essay more engaging and concrete.
coherence cohesion
The main ideas are clear and logical, making it easy to follow the writer’s argument regarding technology and dietary habits impacting obesity.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: