IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that criminals should be put into prison as long as possible. However, others believe that it is necessary to educate those people in local community. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #criminals #prison #community
According to
 some
people
criminals
 should be put into prison as long as possible.
However
, other
people
 think that it is necessary to educate those
people
 in the local community.In my opinion, it is necessary to educate those
people
 in the local community. If the
people
 who have committed crime are punished as long as possible
then
 there will be no chance that they will become a better version of themself.
In addition
,Whoever commits a crime will not even try to be a good human because he knows that he is going to be punished forever.
For example
,Studies have shown that 72% of
people
 know that they will be punished as long as they are alive.They do not try to improve themself.
However
, they even become worse and commit more crimes inside the jail.So, It is useless to punish
criminals
 as long as possible.
On the other hand
,If
criminals
 are educated in local communities they can become good human beings again because they know if they get an education and become a good
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 they will be released and will have a chance to become a good
pedestrian
Fix the agreement mistake
pedestrians
show examples
 again that can live their life
according to
 himself.
For instance
.
According to
 a report by the FBI, 45% of
criminals
 that are released after being educated have become good
people
 again in society and they are away from even small evils that are common in those areas.So, giving a criminal a good education can give society a good person who was once a criminal. In conclusion,My opinion is that it is necessary to educate
criminals
 to make them good
people
.We can clearly see in
this
 essay giving
criminals
 punishments does not make anything right.
Submitted by Saad Kamal on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear and distinct structure in each paragraph, with topic sentences guiding the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety and transitions to make the essay flow better. This will help in making your arguments clearer and more connected.
task achievement
Include more specific and diverse examples to strengthen your arguments. Make sure examples are directly linked to your main points.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively and ensure there is depth in each paragraph. This will make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument effectively, meeting the requirements of the task.
coherence cohesion
A clear conclusion is present, summarizing your position well.
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