IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important profession. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #money #people #profession
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These days,
people
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's lifestyles and jobs are so different from the past;
moreover
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,
people
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 who are athletes earn a lot of
money
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 more than
people
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 who are working for other important professions, so it is important that populations have different ideas about
this
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 happening a group of them believe it is fully justified;
in contrast
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, another one think it is unfair. In my opinion,
this
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 investment has not good effect on other
people
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 who are not sports professionals. On the one hand, Sport is a good thing for
people
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 owing to the fact that they are healthier, but professional sportsmen must not earn a lot of
money
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due to
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 the fact that they are not doing important things that help
countries
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 to improve their economy;
additionally
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, they just play in the competitions which are the main pastime that
people
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 spend their time on
such
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 as Olympic, and other international racing and some of them obtain medals, and help their
countries
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 to reach a good level in the world.
On the other hand
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, It is crucial that communities who are working in several industries earn good
money
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 inasmuch as they aid their
countries
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 to enhance their manufacturing and things that can be sent to other
countries
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 or improve the number of tourists who visit their areas;
as a result
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, they getting our economies better.
Furthermore
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, when these
people
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 have good
money
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, they will be working efficiently.
For instance
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, the population who work to investigate a product that helps their government to become more powerful have to earn more
money
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 because they help their
countries
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 to get the best position.
To sum up
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, Successful sports professionals and their events are good choices for global inhabitants' entertainment;
nevertheless
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, the
people
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 who work for different businesses can help the
countries
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 to reach a nice situation;
therefore
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, I advise that authorities spend more
money
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 on these populations
instead
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 of sportsmen.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of discussing both views and providing an opinion. However, aim to provide more relevant, specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Elaborate on your ideas and ensure each point is fully developed to make your argument clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure and paragraph transitions to enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly states the topic and your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay maintains a good balance by discussing both side of the argument and providing your personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a structured introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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