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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is sometimes suggested that primary school children should learn how to grow vegetables and keep animals. What are the advantages and disadvantages? Do you think advantage of this outweigh the disadvantage?

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People have different views as to whether schoolchildren should be aware of cultivating
plants
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 and raising
animals
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.
While
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 there are certain benefits and concerns it brings, I believe it has more advantages than disadvantages. It is often required to be well-informed about
plants
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 and
animals
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 from primary school children
due to
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opportunities
Correct article usage
the opportunities
show examples
 it offers
such
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 as experience and caring. If children pay attention to growing different
plants
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, it helps them improve their experience in nature, which is very helpful in their future lives. Another benefit is caring. As long as they spend time with
plants
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 and
animals
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, they begin to comprehend how to look after watering and feeding, leading to the development of caring skills.
However
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, there is a disadvantage to changing attention, which is a loss of focus on important subjects
such
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 as math, history, and physics.
As a result
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, schoolchildren fail exams, negatively impacting their
further
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 education.
Therefore
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,
animals
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,
caring
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care
show examples
, and plantations have not been the main focus at school. Despite the disadvantages, in my view, the positive side carries greater weight without a doubt. Mental tiredness is something that students often suffer from. In
this
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 case, natural practices can yield better results in core subjects because visiting nature helps them to relieve stress and depression gained during the lesson, leading them to start the next day's lessons with a fresh mind with the help of
such
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 excursions.
To conclude
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, even though disadvantages usually seem major in many ways, I believe that pros can offer invaluable results in their current exams and
further
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 education.

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task achievement
Your essay could be enhanced by providing more specific examples and details to support your main points. For instance, you could provide a tangible example of a program where children successfully learned to care for plants and how it benefited their development.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. While the overall structure is good, some of the ideas could be linked more cohesively, particularly when transitioning from discussing advantages to disadvantages.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the disadvantages. While you mention that focusing on gardening and animal care could lead to a loss of focus on core subjects, explaining this with more details and perhaps an example would provide a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states the stance you are taking and outlines the essay's structure.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively restates your opinion and provides a clear summary of your main points.
task achievement
You do a good job of identifying both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced view even if you lean towards the advantages.
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