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Band 6.5

Shopping is now one of the most popular types of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development?

#leisure #activity #countries #adults #development
For adolescents in a
lot
 of nations, shopping is the most famous type of spare activity. It is because of that a
lot
 of teenagers get pleasure from buying something, and
this
 essay will discuss why
this
 gives negative development.
People
, especially the young, love to spend a huge amount of
money
 to get things that they do not want. In the 21st century, there are a
lot
 of types of business tricks that attract
people
 to buy something without their need to get it.
For example
, when my mother went to a clothes shop and told me that she would acquire only the things that she needed, after two hours, she left the shop with her
hand full
Replace the word
handful
show examples
 of dresses.
This
 might be bad for humans. Some
people
 do not have a
lot
 of
money
, and they can get caught in
this
 trick and spend their
money
 on unnecessary things, especially when they're in a crisis.
For instance
, my friend Saken is not one of the wealthy boys, but when I see him, he is always in expensive clothes. Despite
this
, he is in debt to many
people
. In conclusion, teenagers enjoy spending a
lot
 of
money
 because of business tricks that attract
people
 to spend
money
 on their products, but it can bring them into a pit in which there is a
lot
 of trouble. These unnecessary purchases can lead to financial difficulties and a cycle of debt, making it important for young
people
 to be mindful of their spending habits.
Submitted by Kawasaki on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, and you stay focused on the topic, which is great. However, clarity and comprehensiveness could be improved by organizing your ideas more effectively and delving a bit deeper into your points.
coherence
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using more linking words and phrases to connect different parts of the essay. This will help make your argument flow more smoothly and enhance readability.
cohesion
Ensure that each main point is well-supported and elaborated on. This could involve providing more specific examples and reasoning behind your points.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the main argument effectively.
support
You provided relevant examples to support your arguments, which aids in illustrating your points.
task response
Maintaining focus on the topic throughout the essay shows a good understanding of the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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