IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why Is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Numerous small age personal like to spend most of their quality period on gadgets like mobile phones. In my opinion,
this
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 is a negative development.
Moreover
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, there are many drawbacks to using
smartphones
Use synonyms
, I will provide relevant arguments related to my claim in the given paragraph. To commence with the drawbacks, In my opinion,
children
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 shouldn't waste most of their quality time on
smartphones
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.
Instead
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 of
this
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, they should participate in different co-curricular activities like different events at their school.
Furthermore
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,Through
this
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, they would enhance their skills and they would feel comfortable in every difficult situation in life.
For instance
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, when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was in school
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 had a problem playing video games on
smartphones
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 .
Therefore
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, my class in charge decided to enrol my name in my school's football club.
This
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 decision helped me a lot to distance myself from video games. When I came into reality, I felt more confident and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think every child should change the habit of using
smartphones
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.
On the other hand
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, individuals argue that in the modern era, it is necessary for
children
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 to spend most of their time on gadgets because the way of teaching is changing and
children
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 study through their
smartphones
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.
For example
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, most
children
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 at a very small age start freelancing. For freelancing the use of mobile phones is a necessity. Individuals work on the Internet and they earn a good amount of money.
To sum up
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, there are drawbacks and benefits of using mobile ,
however
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,
children
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 shouldn't waste their lives on wasteful activities. It would be very helpful for them if they focus on their career.

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task achievement
In your introduction, clearly state both the causes of children spending hours on smartphones and your opinion on whether this is positive or negative. This approach makes your position clear from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Improve cohesion by using more transitional phrases and words to connect ideas smoothly between sentences and paragraphs. Examples include "Moreover," "Additionally," "Therefore," and "Furthermore."
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point that is well-supported with relevant examples or evidence. For instance, specify the skills children gain from participating in extracurricular activities.
task achievement
Eliminate minor grammatical errors such as incorrect verb tenses and subjective pronouns. For instance, "Numerous small age personal" should be "Numerous young children" and "i" should be "I."
task achievement
Good effort in explaining the potential drawbacks and some advantages of children using smartphones.
task achievement
Providing personal examples makes the essay more relatable and tangible.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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