IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is good to sharer as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #sharer #information #research #business #world
The debate about whether
information
 should be freely shared in fields like scientific
research
, business, and academics is quite complex. On one hand, some people argue that sharing
information
 openly can speed up innovation and growth,
while
 others believe that some
information
 must be limited
due to
 its value or sensitivity. In my opinion, both perspectives have valid
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
, but we need to find
balance
Add an article
a balance
the balance
show examples
 between transparency and confidentiality. Sharing
information
 openly is crucial to
advance
Wrong verb form
advancing
show examples
 knowledge and technology.
In scientific
Change preposition
Scientific
show examples
research
,
for
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 can allow
other researcher
Change the wording
another researcher
other researchers
show examples
 to continue
research
used
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 the existing work to find new discoveries and innovations.
This
 collaboration can provide
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 in
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
such
 as medicine that in some cases can contribute to
found
Wrong verb form
finding
show examples
 new treatments and cures.
For example
, during the COVID-19 pandemic, the sharing of scientific
research
 globally is important in developing vaccines.
Similarly
, in
academic
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the academic
show examples
 world, the free exchange of
idea
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ideas
show examples
 and
information
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 to educate and empower scholars to become critical
thinker
Fix the agreement mistake
thinkers
show examples
. In
business
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the business
show examples
 world, sharing
information
 can lead to efficiency and massive growth in
economy
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the economy
show examples
 in general.
Furthermore
, transparency of
information
 access can help small
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 and new
startup
Fix the agreement mistake
startups
show examples
 to compete with larger
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
.
Furthermore
, some argue that not all
information
 can
freely
Add a missing verb
be freely
show examples
 accessible
due to
 the potential for exploitation.
For example
,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the wrong hand,
research
 about bioweapons and hacking techniques can be used for bad purposes
,
Correct word choice
and, as
show examples
as a
result
Add the comma(s)
result,
show examples
 can cause big
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 our society. In advance,
safeguard
Wrong verb form
safeguarding
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some crucial
information
 must be protected. In conclusion, in spite of many reasons to support the free exchange of
information
, especially for
greater
Add an article
the greater
show examples
 good of society, it is equally important to protect some substantial
information
. By doing balancing, we can maximize the benefits of shared knowledge
while
 minimizing the risks associated with its misuse.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Try to make your arguments clearer and more specific. For example, detail how exactly scientific research benefits from open information sharing.
task achievement
Ensure that your points are well-developed and supported with detailed examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on making your ideas flow more naturally from one to another. Using transition words and phrases can help improve this.
overall
Address grammar and spelling issues, such as subject-verb agreement and word choice, to make your essay more polished.
task achievement
You've provided a balanced view on the topic, discussing both sides of the argument, which is good for a comprehensive discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear start and ending.
task achievement
Including relevant examples, like the case of COVID-19 vaccine development, strengthens your argument.

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