IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some peope believe that culture will be ruined if is used to earn tourism revenue, but others consider that tourism is the only way of protecting culture. Discuss both sides and give your oipinion

#peope #culture #tourism #revenue #oipinion
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It is argued that
tourism
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 is directly associated with ruining
culture
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, but others believe that
tourism
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 is really beneficial for the society of the country. Personally, I completely agree with the idea of restricting cultural
places
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 to foreigners, because a lot of
people
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 don't really have the responsibility for things they do. On the one hand, there are several reasons for abroad
tourism
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 to be constantly ruining the
culture
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 of certain countries.
Firstly
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, crowding tourist attractions
places
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 leads to a hard time for police to look for
people
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 who steal and commit other crimes in these
places
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.
For instance
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, in Paris, the most visited city
among
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of
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 all capitals, the area of the Eiffel Tower is always filled with tons of tourists, and the immigrants who live in poverty find it really easy to theft and scam individuals.
Secondly
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, tourist traps have a negative impact on environmental factors,
such
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 as carbon dioxide emissions caused by constant traffic, and increasing plastic pollution by throwing away garbage.
Finally
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, constant
tourism
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 in religious
places
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such
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 as Mecca could hurt the feelings of religious
people
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 and
therefore
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 cause conflicts between
people
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 or even lead to international disputes. In my opinion,
this
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 problem can be solved by restricting some of the historically significant
places
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.
On the other hand
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, bounding
people
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's ability to visit cultural spots for foreigners and only giving access by permission of the staff, I believe, is the only way to solve the problems.
Furthermore
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, restraining
people
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 from ruining cultural
places
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 can preserve the history of the country.
For example
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, in my home country, Kazakhstan, some of the mausoleums from the past are ruined by the
people
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 visiting them;
accordingly
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, historically pricey
places
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 are becoming just a bunch of bricks.
Nevertheless
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, it is better to have less
tourism
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-related revenue than
ruin
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to ruin
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 an irreplaceable
culture
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. In conclusion, banning cultural
places
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 from visiting is one of the ways to protect
culture
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.
Submitted by talgattan4ez on

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language
Work on grammar and sentence structure to enhance clarity and precision. For example, 'a hard time for police to look for people who steal and commit other crimes' could be rephrased as 'it can be challenging for police to monitor and prevent crimes.'
development
Expand on your ideas with more relevant examples and detailed explanations to strengthen your arguments. For instance, while mentioning the environmental impact of tourism, adding statistics or a case study would help.
structure
Improve the coherence of your essay by using more linking phrases to make your points flow smoothly. For example, use 'Moreover,' 'However,' 'Therefore,' etc., to show connections between ideas.
task response
You have addressed both sides of the argument, demonstrating an understanding of the prompt.
task response
Your opinion is clearly stated and consistent throughout the essay.
development
The essay contains relevant points related to the effects of tourism on culture and environment.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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