Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The period when

children

were physically fitter and mentally agile has gone, and in

this

technological era, their deteriorating health is becoming a grave issue of concern. I completely endorse the statement for several reasons, which will be elucidated in the upcoming segments. The first and foremost reason for unhealthiness among

children

is technological gizmos. To be more precise, these days offspring are more inclined to use mobile phones, computers, laptops, and so on.

Hence

children

have no interest in outdoor activities.

As a result

, they become couch potatoes and gain weight, which

also

reduces the stamina among them.

According to

the World Health Organization,

for instance

, the ratio of unhealthy juveniles has increased by 57% ever since the usage of electronic gadgets was introduced.

Likewise

, the availability and accessibility of fast

food

also

pave the way to force young people to suffer from diseases like obesity, heart attack, and many more at an early age. By

this

, I mean that one can have an easy approach towards junk foods that are not health-oriented.

Thus

, unhygienic

food

affects them badly. Not only

this

but

also

school

children

are bound to study for long hours at schools followed by tuition. In

this

case, they lack time to do physical activities and it causes a great study burden among them.

However

, some people believe that parents are very concerned about their

children

's health and put efforts into improving their erratic schedules and

food

habits.

Nevertheless

, guardians themselves are engaged in graveyard shifts and have a lack of time to guide their

children

, and they can't supervise their daily routine which poses a great threat to young one's lifestyles. To recapitulate, I vehemently vouch that there is a myriad of reasons which pose a great threat to the lifestyle of

children

, in terms of technological gadgets, hectic schedule, unawareness of serious consequences of indoor activities, junk

food

, and so on.

Submitted by moon2014angel on Tue Aug 20 2024

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task achievement

Your essay effectively responds to the task prompt and presents a clear stance. However, to enhance your task achievement score, make sure to elaborate more deeply on your examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more compelling and robust.

coherence cohesion

To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to create more seamless transitions between your ideas. This can help your essay flow more smoothly and logically.

task achievement

Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument and reinforces your stance, which is excellent for task response.

coherence cohesion

The essay has a clear and logical structure, with an effective introduction and conclusion. This enhances the readability and coherence of your writing.

task achievement

You provide relevant specific examples to support your points, such as the World Health Organization statistic. This strengthens the persuasiveness of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

5 paragraphs

317 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Topic Vocabulary:

sedentary lifestyle
screen time
fast food
childhood obesity
poor nutrition
physical education
urbanization
safety concerns
indoor activities
outdoor activities
health awareness
fitness programs
exercise routines
dietary habits
academic priorities

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

The plans below show a public park when it first opened in 1920 and the same park today.

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