IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that children today are not as fit and healthy as in the past. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #children
The period when
children
 were physically fitter and mentally agile has gone, and in
this
 technological era, their deteriorating health is becoming a grave issue of concern. I completely endorse the statement for several reasons, which will be elucidated in the upcoming segments. The first and foremost reason for unhealthiness among
children
 is technological gizmos. To be more precise, these days offspring are more inclined to use mobile phones, computers, laptops, and so on.
Hence
,
children
 have no interest in outdoor activities.
As a result
, they become couch potatoes and gain weight, which
also
 reduces the stamina among them.
According to
 the World Health Organization,
for instance
, the ratio of unhealthy juveniles has increased by 57% ever since the usage of electronic gadgets was introduced.
Likewise
, the availability and accessibility of fast
food
also
 pave the way to force young people to suffer from diseases like obesity, heart attack, and many more at an early age. By
this
, I mean that one can have an easy approach towards junk foods that are not health-oriented.
Thus
, unhygienic
food
 affects them badly. Not only
this
 but
also
 school
children
 are bound to study for long hours at schools followed by tuition. In
this
 case, they lack time to do physical activities and it causes a great study burden among them.
However
, some people believe that parents are very concerned about their
children
's health and put efforts into improving their erratic schedules and
food
 habits.
Nevertheless
, guardians themselves are engaged in graveyard shifts and have a lack of time to guide their
children
, and they can't supervise their daily routine which poses a great threat to young one's lifestyles. To recapitulate, I vehemently vouch that there is a myriad of reasons which pose a great threat to the lifestyle of
children
, in terms of technological gadgets, hectic schedule, unawareness of serious consequences of indoor activities, junk
food
, and so on.
Submitted by moon2014angel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay effectively responds to the task prompt and presents a clear stance. However, to enhance your task achievement score, make sure to elaborate more deeply on your examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more compelling and robust.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to create more seamless transitions between your ideas. This can help your essay flow more smoothly and logically.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your argument and reinforces your stance, which is excellent for task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with an effective introduction and conclusion. This enhances the readability and coherence of your writing.
task achievement
You provide relevant specific examples to support your points, such as the World Health Organization statistic. This strengthens the persuasiveness of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • fast food
  • childhood obesity
  • poor nutrition
  • physical education
  • urbanization
  • safety concerns
  • indoor activities
  • outdoor activities
  • health awareness
  • fitness programs
  • exercise routines
  • dietary habits
  • academic priorities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: