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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The number of older people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#people
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These days, there are more and more elderly individuals
in
Change preposition
around
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 the globe.
This
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 essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of
aging
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ageing
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 in society. One of the major advantages is an increase in the amount of tax from the perspective of governments and communities. To specify, legal authorities can redistribute
this
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 increased revenue towards the public.
For example
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, they can construct more infrastructure
such
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 as houses, hospitals, and schools.
Hence
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,
people
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 are allowed to satisfy their main necessities without shortages.
As a consequence
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, individuals will benefit from retaining crucial social facilities, improving their standard of living.
In contrast
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, older
people
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 may put pressure on the younger generation.
This
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 is because their retirement age could be increased as they can live longer,
hence
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 there will be fewer opportunities for unemployed young
people
Use synonyms
 to have their jobs.
Thus
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, there will be higher unemployment among young individuals,
so
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apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 puts a burden on society in general.
Moreover
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,
this
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 would cause the workplace to be less productive since older
people
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 are less effective in processing the work in the long-term even though they have more experience and skill sets than their counterparts.
Therefore
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, numerous companies will struggle to
laid
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lay
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 off older employees as
people
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 above retirement age do not leave by themselves, causing businesses to be less efficient. In conclusion, a higher
the
Correct article usage
apply
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proportion of older
people
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 will restrict the younger generation to
find
Wrong verb form
finding
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 fewer jobs
,
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apply
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while
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 having positive impacts on society financially by building more necessary facilities to enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social security.
Submitted by az7082687 on

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task achievement
You provided a complete response to the task. However, it would be beneficial to elaborate on the points you presented with more specific examples. For instance, provide more concrete data or instances where an increase in older populations has directly led to the construction of infrastructure or impacted unemployment rates.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear logical structure in your essay, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, work on smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow. Phrases like "on the other hand," "in addition," or "furthermore" can help make your writing more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are supported, adding more concrete examples would strengthen your arguments. For instance, mention specific countries or studies that highlight the impacts of an aging population.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, which makes it easy to follow. Introduction and conclusion are present and well-defined.
task achievement
You've addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of an increasing number of older people, showing a balanced view.
task achievement
The ideas presented in your essay are generally clear and comprehensive, demonstrating a solid understanding of the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • transnational problems
  • climate change
  • ozone layer depletion
  • pollution
  • collaborative efforts
  • pooling of resources
  • expertise
  • technology
  • innovative solutions
  • international standards
  • race to the bottom
  • environmental standards
  • capacity
  • impacts
  • national sovereignty
  • independently
  • economic
  • social contexts
  • international consensus
  • legal
  • political systems
  • enforcement
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