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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children’s are often told they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children’s #children #message
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Youngsters in many parts of the world are taught that they are able to achieve whatever they desire as long as they
work
 hard for it.
This
 essay will discuss what are the positives and negatives that
this
 message carries. One of the main merits of
this
idea
 is that it instils a strong motivation for
children
 to succeed from a young age.
This
 can help young people to have a clear plan on how to achieve their
future
 goals and give them a sense of security by knowing what steps should be taken to reach their targets.
Additionally
, working hard from an early age teaches
children
 how to be disciplined.
This
 can reflect positively on their
future
 adult life and help them to navigate challenging situations in the
future
 by applying the methods they learned in their early lives.
Furthermore
,
this
idea
 provides
children
 with a sense of control over their own destinies by knowing that their path to succession is dependent on their
work
 rate.
On the other hand
, there are a few drawbacks attributed to
this
 message.
Firstly
,
children
 might feel pressured by the
idea
 that in order to succeed they should
work
 hard from an early age.
This
 can create a psychological burden and affect the general well-being of a child.
Secondly
,
this
 mindset might lead to
children
 living in fear of failure, as they might be convinced that they are the ones to blame if they fail to achieve their targets.
Finally
, youngsters might be missing out on doing normal childhood activities
such
 as playing or socializing with their peers, owing to the constant pressure of having to
work
 hard for
future
 success. In conclusion, there are a few benefits to promoting the
idea
 of hard
work
 to
children
.
However
, there are a number of downsides that are worth mentioning as well.
Submitted by ramtariqh on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, cite real-life situations or studies where possible. This will give more weight to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Currently, the essay reads well, but some links between paragraphs could be more fluid.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential for a well-structured piece.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically structured, making it easy for the reader to follow the arguments.
task achievement
The response is complete, and you have addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of the given idea effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Motivation
  • Ambition
  • Persevere
  • Setbacks
  • Self-confidence
  • Growth mindset
  • Dedication
  • Effort
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Feelings of failure
  • Neglect
  • Personal well-being
  • Burnout
  • Fixed mindset
  • Discouragement
  • Lose motivation
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